Nexustentialism

It's satire, stupid.

February 10, 2023

Tips for not being single this Valentine’s Day: Settle for less

By Jane Error

What, you thought you deserved a committed relationship with someone who respects your basic human dignity?

February 3, 2023

Opinion: Screw rationality, I trust the brilliant minds of Quora

By Osbert Squelch

I have always found solace in a place born from the desire for the truth: Quora.com.

February 3, 2023

Air Bud Saves Basketball Season!

By Devin Hernandez

Our winning streak has been preserved against CSU Bakersfield, with the Gauchos going for gold — golden retriever, that is.

January 27, 2023

Fuck! I forgot to bring my box of condoms to juggling club

By Theresa Harris-Olson Taylor

Meeting on Fridays in front of Storke Tower, the group preaches their love of all things juggling and circus arts, but also their love for safe sex.

January 26, 2023

Someone needs to kiss me on the mouth while my voice is still raspy, sickly and sexy

By Meel F. Lover

Call me Narcissus, but I think this Narcissus is rightfully deserving of some kisses-us.

January 26, 2023

Letter From the Editor: New Name, Same Stench

By Sierra Vakili

And while we will remember our time as “Nexustentialism” fondly, we, the current editors, respectfully, need a goddamn upgrade.

January 23, 2023

My very important “Avatar 2: Way of Water” review

By Stinkeigh Laydee

I’m not even playing with you, I was looking to my left and everyone was crying. Not because the movie was emotional, but because they had to pee that badly.

January 20, 2023

I’ll say it: I’m a hoe and I’m cold

By Fart Tent

If you see me popping my pussy in a parka, either tell me that you like my outfit or stay in your fucking lane.

January 19, 2023

Finally! Isla Vista introduces 69 block

By Annie Nymous

“And then it hit me,” said UCSB A.S. President Samantha Jamantha. “The solution had been there all along. We had to start 69-ing.”

December 3, 2022

I am so full of Panda Express

By Kathleen Santacruz

How does one maintain Existence in this pain?

December 3, 2022

I got too much Panda Express

By Barack O'Lee

I was tearing through my plate, eating and nom-nomming away like I had no other cares in the world. That was when the trouble began.

December 1, 2022

Spiritual man takes pride in killing his ego

By David Litman

Observing his surroundings with a newfound sense of superiority, he swelled with pride knowing that he was simply better than the mindless drones of the world around him.

November 30, 2022

UCSB students to be featured in Thanksgiving Day Parade

By Inma Hole

“We just really love parades,” club founder Turr Keybut explained. “They’re the only part of life that goes by slowly. Sometimes, you just have to appreciate that about them.”

November 30, 2022

Thanks for bringing your moms this weekend

By Fart Tent

This year, I especially want to thank everyone who invited their mom for Parents’ Weekend, and I want to assure you that we had a lovely time together last night.

November 29, 2022

Breaking: Hot Ticket UCSB holding group of average white men hostage

By Theresa Harris-Olson Taylor

“Oh, it was absolutely horrible,” the Goleta Chief of Police Owen K. Bacon said. “From what Detective Rodriguez described, they weren’t even allowed their Sony headphones.”