Nexustentialism

January 27, 2023

Fuck! I forgot to bring my box of condoms to juggling club

By Theresa Harris-Olson Taylor

Meeting on Fridays in front of Storke Tower, the group preaches their love of all things juggling and circus arts, but also their love for safe sex.

January 26, 2023

Someone needs to kiss me on the mouth while my voice is still raspy, sickly and sexy

By Meel F. Lover

Call me Narcissus, but I think this Narcissus is rightfully deserving of some kisses-us.

January 26, 2023

Letter From the Editor: New Name, Same Stench

By Sierra Vakili

And while we will remember our time as “Nexustentialism” fondly, we, the current editors, respectfully, need a goddamn upgrade. 

January 23, 2023

My very important “Avatar 2: Way of Water” review

By Stinkeigh Laydee

I’m not even playing with you, I was looking to my left and everyone was crying. Not because the movie was emotional, but because they had to pee that badly.

January 20, 2023

I’ll say it: I’m a hoe and I’m cold

By Fart Tent

If you see me popping my pussy in a parka, either tell me that you like my outfit or stay in your fucking lane.

January 19, 2023

Finally! Isla Vista introduces 69 block

By Annie Nymous

“And then it hit me,” said UCSB A.S. President Samantha Jamantha. “The solution had been there all along. We had to start 69-ing.”

December 3, 2022

I am so full of Panda Express

By Kathleen Santacruz

How does one maintain Existence in this pain?

December 3, 2022

I got too much Panda Express

By Barack O'Lee

I was tearing through my plate, eating and nom-nomming away like I had no other cares in the world. That was when the trouble began.

December 1, 2022

Spiritual man takes pride in killing his ego

By David Litman

Observing his surroundings with a newfound sense of superiority, he swelled with pride knowing that he was simply better than the mindless drones of the world around him.

November 30, 2022

UCSB students to be featured in Thanksgiving Day Parade

By Inma Hole

“We just really love parades,” club founder Turr Keybut explained. “They’re the only part of life that goes by slowly. Sometimes, you just have to appreciate that about them.”

November 30, 2022

Thanks for bringing your moms this weekend

By Fart Tent

This year, I especially want to thank everyone who invited their mom for Parents’ Weekend, and I want to assure you that we had a lovely time together last night.

November 29, 2022

Breaking: Hot Ticket UCSB holding group of average white men hostage

By Theresa Harris-Olson Taylor

“Oh, it was absolutely horrible,” the Goleta Chief of Police Owen K. Bacon said. “From what Detective Rodriguez described, they weren’t even allowed their Sony headphones.”

November 8, 2022

Nexustentialism’s favorite strikes

By Nexustentialism Staff

Nexustentialism writers share their favorite strikes.

November 8, 2022

Efficient! Scootering Snag employee breaks sound barrier

By Osbert Squelch

“Speed. I am speed. 42 bitters. 42 boozers. I eat boozers for breakfast.”

November 7, 2022

“Her loss bro,” says some guy in Hugh Hefner costume

By Annie Nymous

Ever since the most famous split in DP history — other than when the deck fell from the cliff — Cockrey has been reportedly “on his king shit” trying to move on from Malessence.

November 7, 2022

“He’s never gonna find someone like me,” says some girl in angel costume

By Fart Tent

“Like, it’s so stupid. He’s literally losing his chance, and I have, like, everything he could ever want!” says Starchy Malessence, “I don’t know what to do!”