Fart Tent / Daily Nexus

A regular woman’s worst nightmare came true after realizing that she cannot officially assume the accredited title “MILF” without raising at least one child. Radonna Beach, refusing to comply with such stringent requirements, demanded the expansion of the MILF community to include childless MILF-hopefuls, who, she asserted, “should not have to suffer raising some ‘snot-nosed punk’ to be considered ‘mommy.’” 

Unprompted, Ms. Beach claimed to have “nothing against” women who choose to have and/or raise children, stating that being a mother is a “beautiful, respectable and an undervalued occupation,” but held steadfast in her dislike and suspicion of “most” children: “I hate children, I never want them. I refuse! I love my alone time, I refuse to give everything up- No. I refuse. I would get my tubes tied immediately if I could” Her stance on abortion remains unclear. 

Upon being reminded of the imminence of Mother’s Day, Ms. Beach asserted that a MILF-specific holiday, one that permits the celebration of childless “mommies” was overdue. Declining to elaborate, she concluded with the argument, “No one would oppose this. Everyone loves MILFs, so there should be more,” which experts failed to disprove. 

Though Beach refused to abide by the requirements of MILF-hood, recent polls reveal that aspiring-MILFS are increasingly taking matters into their own hands. 54% of women cited “being a MILF” as one of the top two reasons they chose to have children, the other being “mommy milkers.” Experts project that if MILF standards don’t become more inclusive, MILF-hopefuls may begin having kids at unprecedented rates. 

The consequences of this are unclear. Some theoreticians suggest expanding the requirements of MILF-hood to include women who, regardless of kin, are “mommy,” in order to avoid an overpopulation issue. Technicalities aside, an increase in MILFs offers a solution; while this is fantastic news for fraternities, it carries dismal implications for both restaurants and florists as Mother’s Day approaches. 

The assumption that one must have children in order to be a MILF appears pervasive and unchanging; however, MILF-hopefuls, MILF supporters and allies everywhere join Beach in championing for an inclusive world with more MILFs, coining the slogan, “We need more MILFs!” The growing movement, made up of tens of childless women, is revolutionary in its courageously progressive demands. This Mother’s Day, we celebrate the unmatched resilience and strength of heroic women without children.

Zoe Bozman is the bravest childless MILF to ever live.