Starbucks corporate has officially announced the new Butter Chicken Frappuccino after the renowned success of their Chai Tea Latte.
“Stop by and try our latest Indian fare made just for you by our very best bisexual baristas!” recent ex-CEO Howard Schultz said. This initiative was jump-started by Schultz’s belief that there was a lack of Asian American Pacific Islander representation in the Starbucks multiverse after talking to his Indian American friend. This decision was made soon after his failed union busting attempts in hopes that white liberals would forget his crimes and fawn over this proposed cultural relic.
I stopped by the UCen Starbucks to take a closer look at this new sugar-loaded amalgamation and see what the hype was all about. When I asked Sock, the shift lead on duty, how this drink was made, he replied, “I don’t know man, what the fuck do you think this is? Some Michelin star shit? They just ship us those frozen Trader Joe’s Butter Chicken boxes and we toss them in a blender and that’s that.”
The Indian-American community, however, is outraged about the newest menu item.
“That doesn’t even make sense? Why the fuck do they still call it Chai Tea Latte — chai literally means tea. You idiots are ordering a Tea Tea Latte. Do you realize how stupid that sounds?” AAPI students on campus yelled at a protest.
Indian Americans also wanted the general populous to know that butter chicken and garlic naan are not the only two Indian foods to exists and that you fucks should expand your palate and cultural horizons.
Also congratulations to the newest Indian American CEO of Starbucks, Laxman Narasimhan! Now unions can begin to be taken down with a fresh and interesting face.
Amanda Lick will happily enjoy her buttered chicken latte.