Valerie Fu / Daily Nexus

If you’ve ever walked across the beautifully serene campus of UC Santa Barbara, you have probably had your peace violently disrupted by a clueless gaggle of ogling strangers taking up the sidewalk. These tour groups creep their way into the heart of our sacred campus each year, and when admission decisions roll around, they multiply tenfold. I am here to decree to the masses that I have had enough of their tomfoolery and inability to read maps. I have had enough of them walking down the middle of our bike paths. And I have had ENOUGH of not being able to suntan at the lagoon without a prepubescent fifth grader staring at my ass. So, UC Santa Barbara community, here is your personalized guide of what to say to the members of tour groups who mildly infuriate you. 

Imagine this: You are casually walking back from class on a sunny Thursday afternoon. You look to your left, then to your right and quickly hurry across the bike lane. But wait! You can’t fully make it across because an incoming freshman’s parent has stopped mid-stride to take a picture of Storke tower. The bikes are coming at you from both directions. You are seconds away from impending doom. Here’s what you have to do:

Grab the parent’s phone and chuck it at the biker nearest you to veer them off course. Then, shout, “Move it!” and shove them out of your way. It’s not being rude; you just saved their life. 

After almost dying, you decide that you’re hungry. Sure, you’ve treated yourself to Panda Express in the UCen twice already this week, but you just did a good thing! You deserve a little treat. You make your way downstairs only to find that the Panda Express line is so long that it wraps around the room. You helplessly scan the line for a familiar face, hoping to “catch up” with a classmate from Chemistry 1B and “accidentally” cut the line. As you search, you spot 25 third graders near the front. You watch as they nervously count the $10 they were given for lunch, trying to find something they can afford on the menu. Here’s what you have to do: 

Run up to them and say, “Your favorite Tiktoker is giving away free sandwiches outside!” As they all run for the door, quickly hop in line and lament the fact that third graders have access to Tiktok. 

After you finish eating, you probably feel a bit sleepy. You head back to your dorm so you can take a nap before your next class (yes, you will obviously sleep through it but that’s not important here). As you’re walking into Santa Cruz Residence Hall, a middle-aged man stops you. “Hi, my daughter is coming here next year, and I was just wondering if I could take a picture of what a dorm room looks like. Can we see yours?” I think you know what you need to say next:

Look him in the eye and say, “Respectfully sir, fuck off.” 

With these simple tips we can unite to take our campus back, one less tourist at a time.

Inma Hole wants to remind all prospective students that UCSB is experiencing a housing crisis. Please go somewhere else.