Nexustentialism

It's satire, stupid.

November 8, 2022

Efficient! Scootering Snag employee breaks sound barrier

By Osbert Squelch

“Speed. I am speed. 42 bitters. 42 boozers. I eat boozers for breakfast.”

November 7, 2022

“Her loss bro,” says some guy in Hugh Hefner costume

By Annie Nymous

Ever since the most famous split in DP history — other than when the deck fell from the cliff — Cockrey has been reportedly “on his king shit” trying to move on from Malessence.

November 7, 2022

“He’s never gonna find someone like me,” says some girl in angel costume

By Fart Tent

“Like, it’s so stupid. He’s literally losing his chance, and I have, like, everything he could ever want!” says Starchy Malessence, “I don’t know what to do!”

November 7, 2022

Study: all your schoolmates have their shit together

By Chris P. Pants

The study seems to indicate that practically everyone you vaguely know from class is capable of juggling excellent results in school, a decently paying job, fulfilling social lives and at least three gym shifts a week.

November 7, 2022

The seniors I was attached to graduated.

By Aivarey Sala

I’m assuming alumni network shit is great and all, but I think what we really need is a support group for dumb little freshman who get attached to seniors.

November 7, 2022

Top 5 choices to replace Pizza My Heart

By Some Bitch

Here are our top 5 picks on what new business should replace the pizzeria.

October 11, 2022

SWAT team surrounds apartment of UCSB student who took more than one apple from DLG

By Inma Hole

These kids need to stop expecting us to feed them all the time, who do they think we are? Also, we’re never bringing Late Night back so stop asking.

October 11, 2022

Bike pile caused by Looney Tunes-style faux tunnel

By Faith Talamantez

The girl ran straight into what looked exactly like the same old tunnel. All the others followed suit and then there was just a cloud of smoke with cartoon sound effects coming out of it, and a tangle of limbs barely vis...

October 11, 2022

Theater majors with praise kink doing terribly

By Migraine Mommy

I’ve been rejected from the shows so many times that I was Pavlovian-style conditioned into liking it

October 11, 2022

Warning: God doesn’t answer prayers about Chem 1A

By Chace Duma

According to them, there is no omniscience powerful enough, no divine light bright enough to combat your holy ineptitude.

October 11, 2022

I will make no apologies for the person I become on the bike path

By Meel F. Lover

Get out. Leave. Literally, take your bike and start riding across the grass, because at the speed you’re going, you’ll get to class at the same time anyways. It’s what you deserve.