Nexustentialism

November 7, 2022

Study: all your schoolmates have their shit together

By Chris P. Pants

The study seems to indicate that practically everyone you vaguely know from class is capable of juggling excellent results in school, a decently paying job, fulfilling social lives and at least three gym shifts a week.

November 7, 2022

The seniors I was attached to graduated.

By Aivarey Sala

I’m assuming alumni network shit is great and all, but I think what we really need is a support group for dumb little freshman who get attached to seniors.

November 7, 2022

Top 5 choices to replace Pizza My Heart

By Some Bitch

Here are our top 5 picks on what new business should replace the pizzeria.

October 11, 2022

SWAT team surrounds apartment of UCSB student who took more than one apple from DLG

By Inma Hole

These kids need to stop expecting us to feed them all the time, who do they think we are? Also, we’re never bringing Late Night back so stop asking.

October 11, 2022

Bike pile caused by Looney Tunes-style faux tunnel

By Faith Talamantez

The girl ran straight into what looked exactly like the same old tunnel. All the others followed suit and then there was just a cloud of smoke with cartoon sound effects coming out of it, and a tangle of limbs barely vis...

October 11, 2022

Theater majors with praise kink doing terribly

By Migraine Mommy

I’ve been rejected from the shows so many times that I was Pavlovian-style conditioned into liking it

October 11, 2022

Warning: God doesn’t answer prayers about Chem 1A

By Chace Duma

According to them, there is no omniscience powerful enough, no divine light bright enough to combat your holy ineptitude.

October 11, 2022

I will make no apologies for the person I become on the bike path

By Meel F. Lover

Get out. Leave. Literally, take your bike and start riding across the grass, because at the speed you’re going, you’ll get to class at the same time anyways. It’s what you deserve.

October 2, 2022

Incoming freshman decides racist mascot fucked up, but not dealbreaker

By Natalie Kothergirls

“I thought it was a raccoon,” the poor little dunce choked out through tears of white guilt.

October 2, 2022

I like pointing out freshmen on DP because I am 21 and dread my future

By Schmalison Warts

Those fucking idiots. God, I am so cool.

October 2, 2022

Freshman distraught after missing sexual orientation

By Faith Talamantez

Sadly, Closset was unable to attend sexual orientation, where students are assigned their sexuality for their time here at UC Santa Barbara.

September 1, 2022

Five Ways to Avoid Walking Into Class Sweating Like a God-fearer in the Seventh Circle of Hell

By Meel F. Lover

You walk into the classroom and the class goes quiet. Your body has betrayed you; you are dripping sweat from every inch of your body.

September 1, 2022

Eulogy for Pizza My Heart

By Miss Informed

Where else can you consume 40 whole cloves of garlic on a pizza in front of your unsuspecting Bumble date? Fuck you! Who do you think you are?

August 5, 2022

Greeks Go Green Try Greening Out

By Meel F. Lover

Greeks Go Green took part in an event of true sisterhood where they collectively attempted to reach a level of high called “greening out.”

July 23, 2022

I Wish I Was the Unzipped Banana in the Fruit Sensory Videos

By Free Willy

“I just don’t understand why the pineapple is in the middle,” he fervently explained. “Everything about that banana is raw sex appeal.”

July 16, 2022

Chancellor Yang Takes Over-Enrollment Crisis Into His Own Hands

By Caela Erickson Imbrogno

It can feel as though calls for action from UCSB administration fall on deaf ears — but no longer!