Valerie Fu / Daily Nexus

UCSB is really underfunded, and as reported by The Daily Nexus, is largely kept afloat by the generosity of private donors. 

(Wow, who knew the state doesn’t fund state universities! That totally makes sense.)

But most interestingly, The Nexus revealed our most recent donor is none other than former-palace inhabitant and now-Montecito lover, Prince Harry, the Duke of Sussex! Harry was revealed to have donated $690,000 to UCSB because he has “a lot of money from colonialism” and “doesn’t know what to do with it.”  

However, the former Duke — and now, esteemed author — is not just spreading around riches with no strings attached. As part of his donation, he requires in return that everyone at UCSB wears a ginger wig on his birthday to show him respect. Per Prince Harry’s contract, Sep. 15 would be declared “Harry Day” in the school calendar, and all students would have to show up to school in a wig or get expelled. Chancellor Yang described this part of the deal as a “hard sell,” but was able to accept when Harry revealed he had already purchased 26,421 orange wigs. 

We were even able to secure an exclusive interview with Meghan Markle, who said, “Ever since the move, Harry has been more sensitive. Especially after his step-mother turned his childhood bedroom into a closet.” The Duchess of Sussex uttered a deep sigh before saying, “I think he just needs some power right now because he misses it. UCSB is like his little replacement kingdom. Monarchy is just in his veins.” 

Aside from his concerning motives, we still owe Harry a thank you for funding our school. So I better see you motherfuckers wearing those wigs on Sep. 15. 

Let’s hope we don’t have to make the transition to bald caps too soon.

Migraine Mommy predicts she will look hot in her wig.