Migraine Mommy

March 11, 2023

Prince Harry donates to UCSB, but mandates students wear ginger wigs in return

By Migraine Mommy

Harry was revealed to have donated $690,000 to UCSB because he has “a lot of money from colonialism” and “doesn’t know what to do with it.”

October 11, 2022

Theater majors with praise kink doing terribly

By Migraine Mommy

I’ve been rejected from the shows so many times that I was Pavlovian-style conditioned into liking it

May 19, 2022

Local “Nice Guy” Holds Doors Not To “Get Some” but To Satiate Concerning Fascination With Engineering

By Migraine Mommy

“No, I just love hinges. God they are such beautiful mechanisms,” Head stated, as he started to speak faster and faster, his face flushed with enthusiasm.

May 16, 2022

An Open Letter: Happy Mother’s Day to Mrs. Incredible Only

By Migraine Mommy

Oh, how I long to lovingly nestle my face against your ample bosom, reverting to a childlike state of coziness and dependency.

May 10, 2022

Yummy! Tinder Date Actually Cake

By Migraine Mommy

I figured he was just nervous. But when I got to the booth, he still didn’t move and I knew something was wrong. 

April 27, 2022

Quirky Check! Aesthetic Girl Spills Yerba Mate in Backpack Instead of Plain, Old Water

By Migraine Mommy

When asked if she had anything of value in the bag she simply replied, “Yes, all my notes are trashed but it’s fine. At least I’m not a loser!” 

March 31, 2022

Is Freedom Really Free? Class Crush Ugly Under Mask

By Migraine Mommy

“I was so down bad for this guy in my econ lecture. Like, I was sitting there every class just imagining having his babies,” said third-year Claire Smith. “But then the mask mandate was lifted and I learned he was ...

March 30, 2022

March Madness Gains New Meaning, Everything is Just Insane and Scary

By Migraine Mommy

Yeah that’s right, I’m stealing that cute little trademark from the NCAA and using it as an umbrella term to describe all the insanity that this month has held.

February 24, 2022

Shocking Revelation: It’s a NASAL Swab???

By Migraine Mommy

This past week, a group of students bravely came forward to Nexustentialism with a self-proclaimed revelation: COVID-19 swab tests are actually for your nose. However, when confronted with this “revelation,” our team...

February 18, 2022

A Certified Slay! University To Demand Cocktail Attire in All Dining Halls

By Migraine Mommy

Kiss your flip flops and crop tops goodbye! In an attempt to make UC Santa Barbara institutionally “swag as fuck,” dining halls are mandating a strict formal dress code at all meal times.  In a press conference last...