Sierra Vakili / Daily Nexus

Third-year Willow Hart spilled her Guayakí Enlighten Mint Yerba Mate in her backpack but feels relieved it was this liquid because it preserves her aesthetic.

The story fell into our hands here at Nexustentialism. We were just convening for our weekly meeting when one of our correspondents noticed a girl hunched over her tote bag in Storke Plaza. She seemed visibly distressed as she stamped her Dr. Martens  Chelsea boots in frustration. Our correspondent, Elise Ramacciotti, approached her and asked what the issue was when Hart replied, “I just spilled my Yerba Mate in my tote! Everything is ruined.” 

When our writer asked how she could help, Hart simply replied, “It’s okay, at least it was a Yerba Mate that spilled and not water. It matches my vibe.” She then proceeded to pull a bundle of sage from the pocket of her crochet cardigan, light it and then circle it over the tote bag, claiming that it is the only proper way to clean up the mess.“You can actually look at the Guayakí website and it tells you to cleanse with burnt sage immediately if spilled. I think …”  Our correspondent was immediately obsessed.

“I don’t drink water. Only Yerba Mate and raw goat milk. I’ve actually trained myself not to sweat or pee so that I never have to replenish my bodily water supply. The water that makes up 60% of my body is the original 60% I was born with.” 

Our writer did not know what to say, but that was no issue for Hart, who continued with ease. “I guess this Yerba Mate incident is just another example of how my life is beautiful chaos. My close friend and colleague, the Dalai Lama, has often talked about this during our morning meditation sessions over Zoom.” 

She elaborated painlessly, picking up her soaking wet tote and swinging it over her shoulder. “I guess everything happens for a reason. Just like how I only eat cashews and matcha leaves, and feel intrinsically motivated to walk 37 miles every morning to maintain my bodily temple.” 

When asked if she had anything of value in the bag she simply replied, “Yes, all my notes are trashed but it’s fine. At least I’m not a loser!” 

Before our correspondent could say anything else, Hart turned around, her long skirt swinging, walked a few steps, then disappeared into thin air. 


Migraine Mommy may or may not have spilled Yerba Mate in her bag, causing all of her notes to get fucked up. However, she is not as cool as Willow.