Since the removal of the campus mask mandate, students have found their mysterious lecture hall crushes are only sexy with their masks on. 

“I was so down bad for this guy in my econ lecture. Like, I was sitting there every class just imagining having his babies,” said third-year Claire Smith. “But then the mask mandate was lifted and I learned he was actually fugly. God, it was so tragic.” A single tear traced down her cheek before she said, “I wish I could go back.

 Smith is not the only student to realize their masked lover is actually uggo. When interviewed by Nexustentialism, fourth-year Elena Dover said, “I was in love with this girl in my ANTH 2 section, but then I saw her without her mask on and she had this weird baby mouth. Like a really tiny little baby mouth.” Dover then noticeably shivered and said, “It was so wrong. So, so wrong.” 

Interestingly, some students are calling for the mask mandate to stay. “I honestly think we should keep the mask mandate, if only to increase sexual tension and mystery. Like in “The Batman!” Masks made everyone so hot,” said second-year film student Cali Ray. “I realize that they are a different kind of mask but like come on, Zoë Kravitz and Robert Pattinson were so ridiculously fuckable because of them!” She paused and took a deep breath before continuing, “I think masks just do holy work. Even if we don’t bring back surgical masks, we should mandate eye masks, like superhero masks.” 

Ray is determined to keep sex and intrigue alive at the university she loves. She started the organization “Gotham Girlies” and is actively campaigning for eye masks in all UCSB spaces. “I really hope that people identify with this cause. I really want to reinstate the sexual tension we all deserve here at UCSB.” Ray will table in front of the Arbor to recruit members and then plans to take her mission to the chancellor. 

“If you hear ‘Something in the Way’ by Nirvana playing on loop, that is my table. Follow the signal and join me in saving UCSB from desolation and abstinence!” 


Migraine Mommy believes in sexual tension and “Something in the Way” by Nirvana.