Sierra Vakili / Daily Nexus

Every year as Valentine’s Day rolls around, us single (read: unloved) folks try our best not to grow jaded as we prepare for the onslaught of pink and red M&M’s lining Target shelves and couples in class who think bio is the best time for a cuddle fest. And who can blame them? I mean, is there anything more romantic than ionotropic receptors?

But as we start preparing for this holiday named after the patron saint of epilepsy and beekeepers (look it up), sometimes it’s hard being alone. So for those of you who are afraid of being lonely this Valentine’s Day, we at The Stench have the perfect solution for you: Settle for less. 

You heard me. Tired of looking for your soulmate? Well, look no further, because there’s no point! Soulmates aren’t real, you silly billy. And even if you just so happened to actually meet your soulmate, you never know whether or not you’re their soulmate (it’s happened before!). 

What, you thought you deserved a committed relationship with someone who respects your basic human dignity? Joke’s on you, bitch. You might want to think about throwing in the towel. 

Say fuck you to Eros, the handsome Greek god of love, by instead hanging up pictures of his fat, Cupid-baby form all over town to celebrate your sad, newfound love. Who doesn’t love an infant in a diaper with a sack of arrows? I always say we should give more babies weapons. 

So this Valentine’s Day, whether they’re a murderer, arsonist or just someone who pronounces it “intensive purposes,” get ready to scrape the bottom of the barrel. It’s been waiting for you!


Jane Error is single. If you’re interested, send her your social security number (it’s easier to keep track of than phone numbers).