Meel F. Lover / Daily Nexus
Are you tired of plain old Chancellor Henry T. Yang? Are you bored of the same old red tape, the obligatory, “We condemn these acts” emails, the incredibly high tuition? Well, be tired no more. It’s time for Chancellor Yangcellor: the all-new chancellor! He’s fun, cuddly and instead of sinking tons of money into terrible residence halls, he’s just buying yurts for all the new freshmen!!! Housing crisis solved!!!
Chancellor Yangcellor doesn’t like building telescopes on sacred Native HawaiianAmerican land — he likes doing “Where’s Waldo” games and Sudoku! That’s all the exploring he has time for, because Chancellor Yangcellor is a busy man!
He knows he’s a man of the people, and he’s out at the Arbor every day giving free shoulder massages to stressed-out students. Feeling down? Chancellor Yangcellor will come to your dorm and make you scrambled eggs! Feeling hungry at 4 a.m.? Chancellor Yangcellor will already be outside your dorm with a carton of eggs and a bright, shiny smile.
And that high tuition? Gone! Chancellor Yangcellor doesn’t need an income! Chancelloring is a delight for him, so he does it for free! Instead, he saves every dime from his part-time job as a Snag delivery man and thrifts all his clothes in Isla Vista. He loves it!!
And food? Why, as long as he can catch three squirrels a day he’s all set. Don’t watch him while he eats!! Or else!!! He has a squad of kung fu-trained CSOs and he’s not afraid to use them.
After work during the week, you can catch up with Chancellor Yangcellor working out at the Recreation Center, running five-minute miles and bench pressing 400 pounds. If you ask nicely and work out with him for a bit, he might give you an invite to see his secret backroom Speedo collection. You can look, but you can’t touch. The leopard print is his favorite.
When he wants to swim a few laps, he’ll don his tightest thong and dive into the lagoon. He doesn’t have to worry about bacteria, though, because Chancellor Yangcellor is immune to all known diseases. Don’t use a Geiger counter near him! And don’t ask where he goes when the moon is full! It doesn’t matter!
He’s just a fun-loving individual. On the weekends, he enjoys going to karaoke in downtown Santa Barbara. His only songs are “Baa, Baa, Black Sheep” and Eminem’s “Lose Yourself,” so get ready for a wild night. He also would love to discuss Scientology with you! He doesn’t believe in it, but he’s curious to know your thoughts! Because he cares!
Because he’s not just any chancellor, he’s Chancellor Yangcellor. Is he three raccoons in a trench coat? Not officially! Chancellor Yangcellor! Get yours today!
Ask your doctor if Chancellor Yangcellor is right for you. Do not get if you’re pregnant or breastfeeding.
