Al K. Seltzer / Daily Nexus
The literary world was abuzz with excitement this week as noted resident of the UC Santa Barbara Lagoon Sheldon T. Collingsworth published his long-awaited biography, “Not Just a Set of Legs: Memoirs of a Lagoon Crab.” Lovingly written from start to end, Collingsworth shares his trials, tribulations and the lessons he learned from them. Now a respected literary figure, the author takes us back to his rough childhood on the reef, where his meals for the week were half of a fish head, and he didn’t have a scrap of seaweed to his name. Collingsworth recounts a storied life filled with fame, loss, whirlwind romance, adventure and hope. In this instant classic, Collingsworth captures the indomitable spirit and what it truly means to be alive.
We here at the Daily Nexus were honored when Collingsworth agreed to a rare interview. This reporter was lucky enough to sit down with him, and the transcript is provided below.
Clark Can’t: Mr. Collingsworth, it’s truly a pleasure to speak with you, and I just wanted to say thank you for agreeing to this.
Sheldon Collingsworth: Snap snap snap snap snap.
C.C: Now, you tell a lot of stories from your childhood in this book, and a lot of them are about your father. What role would you say he held in your life?
S.C: Snap snap snap snap snap snap snap snap snap snap snap snap snap snap snap.
C.C: And do you think this influenced how you interacted with your family after he left?
S.C: Snap snap snap snap snap snap snap snap snap snap snap.
C.C: So in a way, would you say that this hubris is what led to him getting boiled?
S.C: Snap snap.
C.C: I’d like to, if I may, talk about a bit later in your life. As I understand, many of your readers are particularly keen to hear about this part. You recount quite a lot of … shall we say, intimate interactions in your youth. How would you say that these fundamentally shaped your later relationships?
S.C: Snap snap snap snap snap snap snap snap snap snap snap snap.
C.C: (laughter) Oh, I think we can all understand that. Was there a particularly egregious time?
S.C: Snap snap snap snap snap snap snap snap snap snap.
C.C: Oh! Um, we might have to cut that out. It’s okay, just keep up what you were doing before, that was great. On that note, a really powerful scene for me was when you revisited your childhood home. What was it like, going back to where it all started?
S.C: Snap snap snap snap snap snap snap snap snap snap snap snap.
C.C: Uh. Would you like to rephrase that, maybe?
S.C: Snap snap snap snap snap snap snap snap snap snap snap snap snap snap snap snap snap snap snap snap snap snap snap snap snap snap snap snap snap snap snap snap snap snap snap.
C.C: I —
S.C: Snap snap snap snap snap sna —
C.C: Mr. Collingsworth, I’m going to have to cut you off, I’m not sure this —
S.C: Snap snap snap snap —
C.C: Oh, noooo, we’re not allowed to say that word anymo —
S.C: Snap snap snap snap snap snap.
C.C: Okay, I’m being informed we cannot continue this line of questioning. I would love to focus more on your later years, if I could? Please? I recall you had an amusing story about your attempts to get your first book published.
S.C: Snap snap snap snap snap snap snap snap snap snap snap.
C.C: Well there’s no need to call them that, that seems kind of insens —
S.C: Snap snap snap snap.
C.C: Okay, now I’m being told we have to stop immediately. Um. Well, I think that’ll do it, folks. That’s all the time we have! Please join in next week for our interview with that family of raccoons talking about their latest grungegrudge album. Mr. Collingsworth, it was a pleasure to have you and an honor to shake your han — OW!
Clark Can’t will be taking a leave of absence to reflect on snippity snaps.
