Nexustentialism

It's satire, stupid.

August 5, 2022

Greeks Go Green Try Greening Out

By Meel F. Lover

Greeks Go Green took part in an event of true sisterhood where they collectively attempted to reach a level of high called “greening out.”

July 23, 2022

I Wish I Was the Unzipped Banana in the Fruit Sensory Videos

By Free Willy

“I just don’t understand why the pineapple is in the middle,” he fervently explained. “Everything about that banana is raw sex appeal.”

July 16, 2022

Chancellor Yang Takes Over-Enrollment Crisis Into His Own Hands

By Caela Erickson Imbrogno

It can feel as though calls for action from UCSB administration fall on deaf ears — but no longer!

July 11, 2022

Catastrophe! Gaucho Bucks Economy Collapses After Everyone Forgets They Exist

By Casey Gallagher

To elaborate, Gaucho Bucks follow the same ridiculous format of taking money you can spend everywhere and anywhere, and converting it into money that you can only spend at a few places — except it’s not even a gift!

July 3, 2022

I Lived It: Bearing The Burden Of Being The Funniest Bitch In The GroupMe

By Sierra Vakili

I am too funny for the society I find myself buried within.

June 24, 2022

Top 10 Things I’d Say If I Were a Tour Guide

By Charli D’Mungrio

No one here drinks. Seriously. Del Playa is actually just a place that we gather at on weekends to worship Chancellor Yang and give him all our money.

June 16, 2022

UCSB’s Top Students Finish Magna Cum Laude; Bottom Students Reportedly Satisfied

By varun iyer

“We as a community are just so proud of the achievement of these students. They should certainly feel very satisfied with themselves and the effort they have put in. We hope they are experiencing the greatest pleasure ...

May 27, 2022

From the Archive: Diet Ice Cream, Dire Consequences

By A. Wiessass, A Hercules

Historically, pandemics have forced humans to break with the past and imagine their world anew. Given the unthinkable human tragedy and exposition of the failures and lies of the global capitalist system due to COVID-19,...

May 19, 2022

Local “Nice Guy” Holds Doors Not To “Get Some” but To Satiate Concerning Fascination With Engineering

By Migraine Mommy

“No, I just love hinges. God they are such beautiful mechanisms,” Head stated, as he started to speak faster and faster, his face flushed with enthusiasm.

May 19, 2022

Report: If One More Man Touches My Waist While Passing Me At A Party, I Am Going To Leap Into The Sun

By Annie Nymous

Nuffathis’ grimy, formerly-white Air Force 1s began to levitate off the ground. Seemingly set off by another waist-grab, Nuffathis was spurred by the supernatural – selected by the gods, perhaps – and floated up an...

May 19, 2022

Sa-tired? Local Funny Business Exhausts Humor Supply

By varun iyer

Not one shred of printable material seems to remain, despite continued, exploratory drilling around the sites we last located the funny.

May 17, 2022

Love Is Dead: Duck Couple Has Affair

By Brian Daumaghe

We at the Daily Nexus, personally, are heartbroken to report on the demise of what we thought was a stable tenet of the little joy there is in our decrepit college town. Is pain the only guarantee in love?