Valerie Fu / Daily Nexus

I can’t even use a pseudonym for this one, you little stinkers. There is no satire involved, even. This is just my sad fucking pity cry to my seniors from last year to come back. You just HAD to get admitted into this school when I was, like, a freshman in high school, didn’t you bastards.

Everyday I speak with those who knew my newly found parental figures longer than I. I feel like a fatherless child discovering information from the folks of their small hometown. Just the other day, I heard someone mention the name Grace, and I immediately ambushed them to see if they meant my former mother figure, UCSB alumni, incredible director and wonderful actress Grace Wilken. “Dude, do you know how many people at this school are probably named Grace? Please fucking relax,” the once stranger, now mortal enemy of mine exclaimed to me. 

I know what you’re thinking dear reader, “Aivarey, this isn’t even fucking funny. There is nothing relatable about this article.” And you’re right. You know what else literally is not funny? I am mourning the loss of my parents. There is absolutely no satire in this entire article. I am drinking a mint Yerba Mate and reminiscing about that time Matte offered me an energy drink, then immediately told me I took too long to reply and let me starve. 

You know what happened to me Monday night, huh? My tonsil exploded. And you who didn’t drive me to the ER this time? Cyrus. I had to take an UBER that my MOTHER purchased me. You try talking to your Uber driver to explain your tonsil randomly split in half while at Carrillo Dining Commons. Yeah! Weird conversation to have! 

I’m assuming alumni network shit is great and all, but I think what we really need is a support group for dumb little freshman who get attached to seniors. I literally could write a master’s thesis on this bullshit grief I am going through. In my 19 years of existence and deeply rooted trauma, nothing compares to this pain. At least my biological father left at age 3 so I don’t remember him! These three just thought it’d be a funny hehehaha to leave me now? When I remember like half of last year? So rude!

If you read this absolutely not funny rant this far. Thanks. I really needed some ears during this all. Feel free to come spit in my face or something if you thought this would actually get funny at some point. It didn’t. The barista at Old Town Coffee just called Grace and I screamed, audibly. This is some PTSD shit for real.

Aivarey Sala wants to wish Matte, Grace and Cyrus well on all their future endeavors and hopes they don’t feel too guilty after reading this tangent. :)