Valerie Fu / Daily Nexus

Every year, we are blessed with a wonderful campus holiday here at UCSB. While it’s not celebrated nationwide, or even written on everybody’s calendar, it is a holiday I cherish with all my heart. This year, I especially want to thank everyone who invited their mom for Parents’ Weekend, and I want to assure you that we had a lovely time together last night. 

“Hi sweetie!! I’m going to be in an article!!!” your mom said when I interviewed her after our long, long, long night together. “I can’t wait for next Parents’ Weekend!”

Wandering around campus this weekend has been a blessing. Everywhere I go I am followed by beautiful mothers that are surely pestered by their smelly children. I feel bad for them as I watch them pursue the sweatshirt choices at the Campus Store, especially when I watch their dumb little college student rushing them through the aisles. Personally, I would let your mom take as long as she’d like in any store, and I’d of course pay for whatever she wanted. It would be my treat. This is just one of the few things I would love to do so that your mom starts to feel like the queen she is. Getting to even be in their presence has lit my heart with joy. 

I’ve been especially honored this time with Parents’ Weekend, as I so happened to recently come into some new particularly nice conversation starters that worked like a charm on just about all of your moms. I warmed up for months before this weekend practicing in the mirror, to ensure that I was ready and able to approach even the baddest moms (your mom) at the function. 

“What’s up ladies,” I’d start, “I like your boobs — I mean … shirt.” 

That got me a kiss like, every time. While I do appreciate the love I get from your moms, in a way, I have started to envy you. It’s not everyday you get to say you gained a stepmother, especially one as magnificent as myself. Anyways, go ahead and clean your room for me, and make sure to finish your homework before 8 p.m., or I better not see you on any video games.


Fart Tent actually slept with your mom. It’s not a joke.