Kathleen Santacruz / Daily Nexus

“Ever since Starchy broke up with me, she’s been a total bitch,” moaned fourth-year student Chooper Cockrey after his shiny new ex-girlfriend, Starchy Malessence, posted a silly photo dump of her and the girlies pre-Halloweekend. “Like, she knows I always had a crush on her roommate, and she’s just going to post her everywhere like that? Fucking slut, dude, I swear,” Cockrey muttered, staring down at a photo of Malessence’s roommate in her Paddington Bear costume. 

Ever since the most famous split in DP history — other than when the deck fell from the cliff — Cockrey has been reportedly “on his king shit” trying to move on from Malessence. But this Halloween, he’s going to be haunted by more than spooky ghosts.

“No, I’m fucking not,” Cockrey croaked, not-so-slyly wiping a single tear from his face. “It’s her loss, bro! I’m telling you! Nobody brings the cock like Cockrey!” Cockrey yelled, banging his fists on his bare chest in a Godzilla-like fashion, so hard that his Amazon sailor hat fell from his head

and into a pile of dust, dandruff and loose pre-workout below. 

“You know, she got so fucking mad at me when I forgot her birthday. I told her she was just being dramatic because I never remember anything,” Cockrey said, retrieving his now-browned hat from the mystery dust pile. “Then she asked me to recite the entire 2018 NFL draft, which I did, like a god. And she ran out crying. Bitches, man. What was the question again?” When our field reporter reminded Cockrey that we asked him what he planned on dressing as for Halloween, he responded, blowing smoke out of his fruit punch Puff Bar, “Oh. Hefner. Dude’s a legend.”

After our interview, our reporter thanked Cockrey for his time and began to leave the apartment before we heard a phone ding, as well as 86 loud bangs coming from Cockrey’s room. Our reporter pivoted, returning back to the room to investigate, only to find 86 holes in the drywall.

“Th- those were there before,” Cockrey stammered. “Get the fuck out of my house.”

Annie Nymous tried cocaine once, but prefers Pepsi.