Annie Nymous

January 19, 2023

Finally! Isla Vista introduces 69 block

By Annie Nymous

“And then it hit me,” said UCSB A.S. President Samantha Jamantha. “The solution had been there all along. We had to start 69-ing.”

November 7, 2022

“Her loss bro,” says some guy in Hugh Hefner costume

By Annie Nymous

Ever since the most famous split in DP history — other than when the deck fell from the cliff — Cockrey has been reportedly “on his king shit” trying to move on from Malessence.

May 19, 2022

Report: If One More Man Touches My Waist While Passing Me At A Party, I Am Going To Leap Into The Sun

By Annie Nymous

Nuffathis’ grimy, formerly-white Air Force 1s began to levitate off the ground. Seemingly set off by another waist-grab, Nuffathis was spurred by the supernatural – selected by the gods, perhaps – and floated up an...

April 14, 2022

Femme Misses Masc Mandate Already

By Annie Nymous

Dangly earrings and ruffled socks were adorned on every person from wall to wall. This was the day Ininity had dreaded. The UC Santa Barbara Masc Mandate had finally been lifted.