CAMPBELL HALL, GOLETA, CALIF. — Second-year student Fabiana Marcela Ininity (otherwise known as F.M.) sifted down the aisle of her lecture hall Monday morning, carrying an ominous feeling that something was … amiss. As Ininity inspected the hundreds of seats surrounding her, she found a striking common thread woven throughout the student body: pastel colors. Dresses. Disgusting Hello Kitty paraphernalia. Dangly earrings and ruffled socks were adorned on every person from wall to wall. This was the day Ininity had dreaded. The UC Santa Barbara Masc Mandate had finally been lifted.
Local sales of 5-inch inseam shorts, flannels, Nike sports bras and dusty old baseball caps have reportedly plummeted to 0%, according to Monday’s data. Per Chancellor Henry T. Yang’s previous email on the matter, students are also no longer required to shout “Hey mamas!” at every attractive femme they see.
“I just miss the safety that a masc used to provide to me, you know?” Ininity pleaded to our reporter. “I used to feel so protected. But in Campbell Hall that day… I was fighting for my life. There were 30 other people wearing the same pearl choker necklace as me, and that was just in my row.”
Ininity scrambled to find something — surely there was something — masculine about her surroundings. “I mean, it was ECON 10A!” she cried to our Nexustentialism field reporter. “There must have been something I was missing, but then my professor started their lecture …”
Nexustentialism gained access to a recording of the first lecture of ECON 10A from an anonymous source. “Hey, kitty princess capitalist besties! Welcome to ECON 10-slay! Get ready to eat and serve all quarter long, queen, unless you’re in your flop era,” the professor belted, sashaying across the lecture stage in full drag, butt pads and all. “This quarter, we’re going to be giving! That is, giving our all into learning about indifference curves and the Cobb-Douglas Utility Function! Purr, consumers!”
Ininity reportedly sat through another 34 minutes and 17 seconds of the professor live, laugh, loving through the syllabus before they engaged in a fully choreographed lip-synced performance of ABBA’s “Money, Money, Money.”
Annie Nymous wants to abolish the gender binary.