Daily Nexus / Valerie Fu

I’m all about a Friday night function. There is nothing quite as decadent as the Wingstop fries that I will certainly be throwing up later, especially after throwing down to the worst music I’ve ever heard before in my life. You’ll never meet someone quite as passionate about parties as me — I live for it. While my zest for parties has yet to falter, I have hit a roadblock this quarter: It’s COLD AS FUCKING BALLS!!!!!!!

Passing by boys in their cute, little quarter zips and jeans ignites a jealous rage within, given that I am literally frozen to the core in a cute but tiny “shirt.” I’d be wrong and even dumb to say that I don’t love seeing all the other girls’ cute, little outfits and how they find small ways to stay warm while still looking drop-dead gorgeous. But, ladies, from girl to girl, I cannot do this shit anymore.

When I turn to the internet for tips and tricks to staying warm but still showing off my goods (boobs), I’m constantly met with the saying, “A real hoe never gets cold.” Well, I hate to say: I’m a real, real, icy hoe. Call me Frosty the Hoeman.

I know it might seem odd, to both be there and be square, but that’s the life I’ve been living in these frigid temperatures. With no end in sight to this Princess Elsa-ass weather, I am dedicated to finding a way to stay warm while still looking my best. Many of you might be saying, “Girl, just wear jeans and a long-sleeve shirt.” And while you’d be absolutely correct to suggest such an outfit, something to consider is that I will still be cold. Instead, I intend to wear one of those suits that people who ski wear (sorry guys, I’m not rich and have never skied), and maybe a fun, little hat to match. 

If you see me popping my pussy in a parka, either tell me that you like my outfit or stay in your fucking lane. Otherwise, I will get tears in my 2 a.m. Wingstop fries. And, to all of you skanks who think that alcohol will keep me warm: you are a liar and I don’t like the way alcohol tastes. 

See you in the streets, girlies!


Fart Tent has big boobs (true).