Nexustentialism

It's satire, stupid.

May 8, 2022

If You Sucked My Tits, You Owe Me a Mother’s Day Card

By Stinkeigh Laydee

You have suckled my breast like an infant — the weakling you are — and I get nothing in return?

April 30, 2022

God Cancelled

By Roberto Gutierrez

Perhaps it is time for the man upstairs to face the social consequences of his actions.

April 29, 2022

How To Lounge Jubilantly on the Arbor Lawn With Your Multicultural Friends in Front of a Tour Group

By Fart Tent

So, if you’re not sure about what to do when you find yourself out with your most diverse group of friends, look no further! We’ve got you covered!

April 27, 2022

I Am Running for A.S. Senate and This Is My Plan To End the War in Iraq

By varun iyer

As a veteran of three tours of photo-ops at UCSB’s Middle Eastern Resource Center, I am uniquely aware of the incredible human cost and personal toll of the protracted conflict. I know it must end now.

April 27, 2022

Cute! Duck Couple Reminds You That You’ll Die Alone

By Brian Daumaghe

It’s like, how can these ducks find love and I can’t? What’s wrong with me? Am I really less worthy than a duck?

April 27, 2022

Quirky Check! Aesthetic Girl Spills Yerba Mate in Backpack Instead of Plain, Old Water

By Migraine Mommy

When asked if she had anything of value in the bag she simply replied, “Yes, all my notes are trashed but it’s fine. At least I’m not a loser!”

April 20, 2022

I’m Not High

By Mary Jane

I am Chicken Joe from Surf’s Up.

April 19, 2022

Egg Chair Finally Hatches

By Kathleen Santacruz

Dazed and confused, Mate spoke only in tongues for 22 minutes until he was doused with a gallon of whole milk someone bought from 7-Eleven. Brains everywhere were scrambled. Only then did the question arise — what the ...

April 14, 2022

Femme Misses Masc Mandate Already

By Annie Nymous

Dangly earrings and ruffled socks were adorned on every person from wall to wall. This was the day Ininity had dreaded. The UC Santa Barbara Masc Mandate had finally been lifted.

April 14, 2022

Belltopia: Storke Tower To Chime Alone This Weekend

By Fart Tent

We all make mistakes from time to time. Forgetting to give Storke Tower a hug and making sure she knew what time you would be home was yours this weekend.

April 5, 2022

CALPIRG Petition Tactics Fail, Mascot To Resort to War Crimes

By H.L. Adams

“They’re trying to like gaslight me into saving the environment, which isn’t very cash money of them you know?” said Saraa Nara, a fourth year who is “lowkey tired” of CALPIRG’s bullshit.

April 5, 2022

Sacrifice Revealed! Will Smith Oscars Slap Actually Awareness Stunt for Alopecia

By Ben Red

If he had made it about alopecia, then people wouldn’t want to look it up as much. The key is misdirection. This way, people don’t even realize how they are being played.

April 4, 2022

6 Ways Chancellor Yang is Pushin P

By Some Bitch

According to Genius, the phrase refers to “keeping it player,” or being true to self. To further explain this concept, look no further than our very own Chancellor Yang.

April 1, 2022

Rejoice! UCSB To Lower Tuition

By Sam Franzini

“I felt it was necessary, desired and the downright moral thing to do,” he said while clutching his chest. “These kids have worked so hard over the pandemic, completing their studies online with absolutely no cheat...

March 31, 2022

POV: Your Insufferable Roommate Went on a Spring Break Trip

By Sam Franzini

My mom booked a cruise around the South Pacific (which, I mean, tacky, right?) and on the website it said they don’t have the best Wi-Fi (Of course! If you have a chocolate fountain that runs 24/7, I guess SOME sacrifi...