Isla Vista has been mourning the closure of one of its most beloved fast-casual eateries, Pizza My Heart. To cope, some have begun to speculate what will become of the now empty restaurant space. Here are our top 5 picks on what new business should replace the pizzeria.
- Bckpck: I.V. does not have enough electric-scooter based delivery services. A new business, Bckpck, is hoping to cash in on this untapped market. Their employees will wear bright blue hoodies and the signature backpack as they make their deliveries. To ensure customer satisfaction, they will sing you a silly, little song when they’re at your door.
- Costco Food Court: Chicken-bake lovers rejoice! The world’s first stand-alone Costco Food Court might be making its way to town. Imagine the convenience of being able to buy a large $10 pizza from several less blocks away.
- Yerbucks: Let’s be real: Starbucks is overrated. The coffee is roasted too dark, and the energy reeks of 2011. You would much rather pick up a Yerba Mate at the I.V. Deli Mart and call it a day. But wait! How will you romanticize your study session without a pretentious coffee shop environment? At Yerbucks, you can finally enjoy a refreshing, fruity drink that doesn’t make you shit your pants without sacrificing looking mysterious in public. With tropical decor and staff outfitted in overalls and bucket hats, this new Yerba cafe could be the perfect place to procrastinate your sociology reading.
- Haaters: After receiving complaints of oversexualing female waitresses, Hooters has decided to even the playing field by opening an all-male version. Haaters waiters are known for their rude attitudes and flamboyant personalities. If you go, expect to be berated for your food, clothing, and lifestyle choices. Whatever you do, don’t ignore the haaters, girly! They have mozzarella sticks.
- Pizza My Lungs: To our great relief, Pizza My Heart is not gone for good. They are just busy rebranding as Pizza My Lungs, a combination pizzeria and hookah bar. The store offers tobacco by the hit so you don’t have to commit to the whole bowl. They don’t sell weed, but you can bring your own if you slip a nug in the tip jar.
We are excited for one of these new businesses to be joining the I.V. environment. No matter which it is, its predecessor will always have a piece of our heart.
Some Bitch can’t outpizza the Hut.