Meel F. Lover / Daily Nexus

For many new Gauchos, the most important week of school is the week before school even really begins — Welcome Week: the only chance you get to make friends, join cool clubs on campus and generally be a happy, functioning student. In order to ensure you are most successful during this crucial period of your life, it is important to attend the events that are happening all over campus. Unfortunately, for Inda Closset, things have already taken a turn for the worse.

“I didn’t realize it was going to happen on literally the first day that anyone was even ON campus! How was I supposed to even know where to go? Now I’m scared to go anywhere!” Closset cried. 

Sadly, Closset was unable to attend sexual orientation, where students are assigned their sexuality for their time here at UC Santa Barbara. As we all know, missing S.O. is the worst thing that could ever happen to a freshman, basically, ever. Before your year has even started, you are already hopelessly lost and alone with absolutely no chance of regaining your footing. Without sexual orientation, a student condemns themself to no social life, no romantic life and even worse, they are immediately banned from the UCen Starbucks. 

“I don’t know what to do with myself. This one girl I met on Instagram posted that she got bisexual. Ugh! I’m literally so jealous. I don’t know what I’m gonna tell my parents. There’s no way I’m going to be able to bring home a boyfriend like they wanted. I won’t get to bring home anyone! Probably EVER!” Closset said. 

Let this be a lesson to all those new Gauchos! Make sure to organize whatever calendar you use so that you don’t miss anything important. And, if you do end up missing something, pray that it’s not your sexual orientation.

Faith Talamantez can see where you are right now. Look behind you.