Nexustentialism

April 1, 2022

Rejoice! UCSB To Lower Tuition

By Sam Franzini

“I felt it was necessary, desired and the downright moral thing to do,” he said while clutching his chest. “These kids have worked so hard over the pandemic, completing their studies online with absolutely no cheat...

March 31, 2022

POV: Your Insufferable Roommate Went on a Spring Break Trip

By Sam Franzini

My mom booked a cruise around the South Pacific (which, I mean, tacky, right?) and on the website it said they don’t have the best Wi-Fi (Of course! If you have a chocolate fountain that runs 24/7, I guess SOME sacrifi...

March 31, 2022

Students Give Up Democratic Rights to Escape CALPIRG

By Lucas Bricca

“Honestly, I feel invincible walking through the quad,” Higgins said. “Even though I’ve given up my rights, I feel freer than ever.”

March 31, 2022

I am an Econ Major, You are Irrelevant, Here is the Blockchain

By N. F. Turner

My name? Nonessential. Your life? Unimportant, at least until now. All that matters now is what side of history you want to be on. As Matt Damon said, “Fortune favors the brave.” And there is nothing braver than spen...

March 31, 2022

Is Freedom Really Free? Class Crush Ugly Under Mask

By Migraine Mommy

“I was so down bad for this guy in my econ lecture. Like, I was sitting there every class just imagining having his babies,” said third-year Claire Smith. “But then the mask mandate was lifted and I learned he was ...

March 31, 2022

UCSB Ranked No. 5 Nationwide Due to Vibes, Sex Appeal

By Miss Informed

While it may forever be a mystery as to why our institution by the sea is such a strong attracting force for students across the country, we can sleep soundly with the knowledge that we are in the company of the hottest,...

March 31, 2022

Rejoice! Chancellor Yang Spends New Raise Adding 1,387,992 Sea-Monkeys to Lagoon

By Kathleen Santacruz

The UCSB campus community was recently given the news that our very own top dawg, Chancellor Yang, was given a raise.

March 30, 2022

March Madness Gains New Meaning, Everything is Just Insane and Scary

By Migraine Mommy

Yeah that’s right, I’m stealing that cute little trademark from the NCAA and using it as an umbrella term to describe all the insanity that this month has held.

March 2, 2022

I Don’t Believe in Blenders

By Blenders McBlenderson

The place has me questioning my own sanity at points. Is an apple blue? Is a banana orange? I truly do not know.

February 24, 2022

Shocking Revelation: It’s a NASAL Swab???

By Migraine Mommy

This past week, a group of students bravely came forward to Nexustentialism with a self-proclaimed revelation: COVID-19 swab tests are actually for your nose. However, when confronted with this “revelation,” our team...

February 19, 2022

Bogus Mix-Up Causes Frat Brother To Consume Water

By Alison Schwartz

In a drunken stumble through the aftermath of a wild dayger, UC Santa Barbara student and Sigma Figma Ligma fraternity member ingested the contents of a plastic bottle which was reported to be plain water. The student ha...

February 18, 2022

A Certified Slay! University To Demand Cocktail Attire in All Dining Halls

By Migraine Mommy

Kiss your flip flops and crop tops goodbye! In an attempt to make UC Santa Barbara institutionally “swag as fuck,” dining halls are mandating a strict formal dress code at all meal times.  In a press conference last...

February 17, 2022

Entomology Department Really Excited for Black History Moth

By A. Wiessass

UC Santa Barbara’s relatively quiet entomology department has recently exhibited an uncommon bit of excitement in the wake of the discovery of a rare species of the family Arctiidae: the Black History Moth

February 17, 2022

Top 5 Ways White People Made Black History Month All About Them

By Dick H. Edd

Despite backlash from literally everyone, white people nevertheless persist. Cries dissipated from the Black community, echoing “can we have just one thing?” to which White Man Supreme, Joe Biden himself, responded i...

February 15, 2022

My Badge Is Sage Green: I Am Gay

By Fart Tent

My badge is sage green. There, I said it. I know you’re wondering why my badge is a beautiful shade of green while yours is still the color of toxic goo in cartoons. Well, the answer is quite simple: I am gay. This is ...

February 14, 2022

Frats Offer Limited Valentine’s Day Deal: BOGO Herpes, Heartbreak

By Miss Informed

There’s a whiff of something new in the moist breeze of Isla Vista — that’s right, it’s the season of luuurve here in our very own crack den of a college town! One deep breath in through the nose and you’ll for...