SANTA BARBARA, CA – As the editor of Nexustentialism, it is my solemn duty to inform the public. I pen this statement with a somber mood and a heavy heart. After more than a decade of constant publication and quirky laughs, the humor mines located underneath Storke Tower have been completely exhausted.
Week after week, month after month and year after year, our writers have been working hard below ground. They chip away at the rock-hard rock, inhale toxic dust and sometimes suffer great injury to uncover more silly articles and hearty laughs. The primary humor vein we mined seemed nearly inexhaustible, stretching far below Storke Tower and constantly producing funny gags for you, our dedicated reader.
We, the writers, all knew in the back of our minds that the amount of humor in this world was finite. This time would have come, sooner or later. But, regrettably, on this day, the humor mines ring empty. Not one shred of printable material seems to remain, despite continued, exploratory drilling around the sites we last located the funny.
We have already notified OHEC, the Oligarchical Humor Export Council, of this matter, and we expect them to make a statement on the matter. Mines in Los Angeles, Beijing and Paris are expected to increase their production in order to make up the difference. Locally, Gaucho Marx humor miners may be able to bolster the supply in order to satisfy the Santa Barbara humor market.
It has been our great pleasure to serve you all these past few years, and we hope that you will be able to find what crumbs of joy you can in this newly humorless world. Any questions you have can be addressed to 1 Storke Tower Road, Santa Barbara, California, and then burnt.
Varun Iyer is a newly unemployed minor humor miner and is now #OpenToWork. He is also not the editor of Nexustentialism.