Keg N Bottle Patron Revealed To Be Three Freshmen in a Trench Coat

Disclaimer: This is a real news story, and any similarity or relationship to fictional persons, monsters, fairies and deities living or dead is a mere coincidence. ISLA VISTA, CALIFORNIA — Late ...
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Mungry for More? Munger Hall Unveils New ‘Ortega II’ Dining Commons

IN THE BEGINNING, THERE SHALL BE NOTHING. THENCE, I SHALL SPEAK INTO EXISTENCE A DINING HALL LIKE NO OTHER THAT HAS BEEN SEEN.
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Snag to Drop Charade, Just Start Selling Drugs

Snag exists to serve the Isla Vista community,” Brohanski shouted (we’re not really sure why he was shouting). “And, frankly, the Isla Vista community is kind of a bunch of alcoholics with a stu...
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Cottage Hospital Introduces ICU Bunk Beds

Patients at Cottage reportedly enjoy the new bunk bed experience. In addition to inter-patient intercourse skyrocketing 76%, patient morale seems to have been boosted by the new project as well.
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Envious of Delta Success, Local ZBT Man Attempts To Cultivate “Zeta” Strain

Warnings, panic and general hubbub about the new Delta strain of COVID-19 have been dominating the news cycle over the past few weeks. Envious of all the attention showered on Delta, local Zeta Beta T...
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Heartbroken By UCLA Rejection, Oprah Winfrey Agrees To Speak at UCSB

Last week, the Gaucho community received exciting news that Oprah Winfrey — entertainment tycoon and one of the nation’s wealthiest self-made women — would be speaking at UC Santa Barbara’s sp...
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I.V. Pregamers Thrilled by Reports That Downtown Is Literally On Fire Tonight

Isla Vistan pregamers are thrilled to hear that downtown Santa Barbara — famous for its bustling nightlife — is literally on fire tonight.
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Due to Extensive Use, Culture To Impose Cancellation Fee

“All of you are why we can’t have nice things. We tried to do a good thing and let anyone cancel people that deserved it, but y’all had to go and ruin it”
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A Letter to the Editor

    X.    Varun Iyer was recently informed that he gets paid per article, not per letter.
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Amid Controversy, GauchoSpace Renamed to Space

Students demonstrated against the website by continuing to use it normally, which repeatedly caused the site to slow and crash at inconvenient times. One student described the protests as a “careful...
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