varun iyer

June 16, 2022

UCSB’s Top Students Finish Magna Cum Laude; Bottom Students Reportedly Satisfied

By varun iyer

“We as a community are just so proud of the achievement of these students. They should certainly feel very satisfied with themselves and the effort they have put in. We hope they are experiencing the greatest pleasure ...

May 19, 2022

Sa-tired? Local Funny Business Exhausts Humor Supply

By varun iyer

Not one shred of printable material seems to remain, despite continued, exploratory drilling around the sites we last located the funny.

April 27, 2022

I Am Running for A.S. Senate and This Is My Plan To End the War in Iraq

By varun iyer

As a veteran of three tours of photo-ops at UCSB’s Middle Eastern Resource Center, I am uniquely aware of the incredible human cost and personal toll of the protracted conflict. I know it must end now.

January 31, 2022

Graduate Student Win! UC Grants COLA to Nine Very Specific Employees

By varun iyer

Siavash Ghadiri / Daily Nexus Zoom, Calif. —  Just before the pandemic began in 2020, graduate students at UCSB and around the UC system were protesting the University for a Cost Of Living Adjustment (C.O.L.A.), a sal...

December 2, 2021

Keg N Bottle Patron Revealed To Be Three Freshmen in a Trench Coat

By varun iyer

Disclaimer: This is a real news story, and any similarity or relationship to fictional persons, monsters, fairies and deities living or dead is a mere coincidence. ISLA VISTA, CALIFORNIA — Late last Friday night, C...

November 4, 2021

Mungry for More? Munger Hall Unveils New ‘Ortega II’ Dining Commons

By varun iyer

IN THE BEGINNING, THERE SHALL BE NOTHING. THENCE, I SHALL SPEAK INTO EXISTENCE A DINING HALL LIKE NO OTHER THAT HAS BEEN SEEN.

October 21, 2021

Snag to Drop Charade, Just Start Selling Drugs

By varun iyer

Snag exists to serve the Isla Vista community,” Brohanski shouted (we’re not really sure why he was shouting). “And, frankly, the Isla Vista community is kind of a bunch of alcoholics with a studying problem."

September 23, 2021

Cottage Hospital Introduces ICU Bunk Beds

By varun iyer, Sierra Vakili

Patients at Cottage reportedly enjoy the new bunk bed experience. In addition to inter-patient intercourse skyrocketing 76%, patient morale seems to have been boosted by the new project as well.

August 23, 2021

Envious of Delta Success, Local ZBT Man Attempts To Cultivate “Zeta” Strain

By varun iyer

Warnings, panic and general hubbub about the new Delta strain of COVID-19 have been dominating the news cycle over the past few weeks. Envious of all the attention showered on Delta, local Zeta Beta Tau brother Chad Broh...

June 8, 2021

Heartbroken By UCLA Rejection, Oprah Winfrey Agrees To Speak at UCSB

By varun iyer

Last week, the Gaucho community received exciting news that Oprah Winfrey — entertainment tycoon and one of the nation’s wealthiest self-made women — would be speaking at UC Santa Barbara’s spring commencement. W...

May 25, 2021

I.V. Pregamers Thrilled by Reports That Downtown Is Literally On Fire Tonight

By varun iyer

Isla Vistan pregamers are thrilled to hear that downtown Santa Barbara — famous for its bustling nightlife — is literally on fire tonight.

May 20, 2021

Due to Extensive Use, Culture To Impose Cancellation Fee

By varun iyer

“All of you are why we can’t have nice things. We tried to do a good thing and let anyone cancel people that deserved it, but y’all had to go and ruin it”

April 22, 2021

A Letter to the Editor

By varun iyer

    X.    Varun Iyer was recently informed that he gets paid per article, not per letter.

April 21, 2021

Amid Controversy, GauchoSpace Renamed to Space

By varun iyer

Students demonstrated against the website by continuing to use it normally, which repeatedly caused the site to slow and crash at inconvenient times. One student described the protests as a “carefully coordinated attac...