COTTAGE HOSPITAL — Early this morning, Anita Reyes, a spokesperson for Goleta Valley Cottage Hospital (affectionately known as the drunk tank) unveiled the latest new innovation in patient care. The hospital now features an ICU ward fully furnished with bunk beds. Reyes explained that the hospital had been inspired by efforts pioneered at UC Santa Barbara. Practical research conducted in residence halls throughout the university showed that the best solution to overcrowding was simply to double down, fitting two people in a space clearly designed for one.

Reyes explained the hospital’s rationale in investing in this newly furnished ward by saying, “We expect an explosion in ICU hospitalizations from all three of our largest market sectors: binge drinking freshmen, pile-up bike collisions and COVID-19 cases. This investment ensures that the hospital is prepared to receive all those who need it with open arms and $900 ambulance rides.” When asked why an ambulance ride costs so much money, Reyes winked and whispered, “That’s our little secret.” 

Patients at Cottage reportedly enjoy the new bunk bed experience. In addition to inter-patient intercourse skyrocketing 76%, patient morale seems to have been boosted by the new project as well. “It’s just like being a kid again,” one patient said. “Because I get to be up high when I sleep, and I don’t have to wipe my own ass.” 

Nexustentialism field reporter Sam Penn got to examine the new beds firsthand, describing the experience atop the raised bunk as “precious” and “reminiscent of his childhood watching Ninjago and not having friends,” as well as “mildly fear-striking at the thought of contracting a serious illness from a used ICU bed.” One patient, Corinne Avirus, expressed that she was “disappointed” at the lack of slides coming down from the bunk beds, insisting on jumping down from the top in protest. Avirus was then put in timeout by an on-duty nurse. 

Doctors have also discussed future plans of implementing step-stools to the top bunk to increase access to patient’s foreheads for goodnight kisses. Side tables will also be available for cookies and a glass of warm milk. Fruit gummies will be available for patients with especially good behavior. 

Waking up the morning after a diagnosis of alcohol poisoning, first-year UCSB student Newman Sterdam was filled with excitement. “This place is awesome,” he exclaimed. “And it’s way bigger than my octuple in Anacapa. How much is rent?” 

Reyes did not comment on the potential for double-decker ambulance vehicles but gave the press a sly smile and a shoulder shimmy, inviting them back to next week’s press conference for more details to come. 

Varun Iyer and Sierra Vakili aren’t hospitalized, but they are sick as fuck. 


A version of this article appeared on p. 17 of the Sept. 23, 2021 print edition of the Daily Nexus.