ISLA VISTA, CALIFORNIA — Regular snaggettes had a surprise waiting for them when they opened the popular delivery app this morning. The surprise? Drugs!!!

Snag users can now purchase a variety of legal, illegal and just plain questionable drugs from the app. Some of the selections available to users include blended, injectable nicotine sticotines, lil crushed-up caffeine pills you can just snort up and cocaine-laced Yerbs. With just one tap, some sophomore in a baggy, red hoodie will come hurtling toward you at break-neck speeds while you press your face against your window, breathing heavily in anticipation of your inbound controlled substance.

Snag’s CEO, Chad Brohanski, told Nexustentialism that the new feature “was a natural extension to Snag’s core business.” 

“Snag exists to serve the Isla Vista community,” Brohanski shouted (we’re not really sure why he was shouting). “And, frankly, the Isla Vista community is kind of a bunch of alcoholics with a studying problem. The average Isla Vistan just cannot be fucked to walk a single block for their next hit of crémê brùlëë vápê, let alone for Takis or some blue Gatorade. We heard this community’s deepest inner pleas, and we decided to answer them. Frankly, all of the snacks and random shit was just a charade. If there’s one thing Isla Vistans love, it’s just straight drugs, and we will (literally) deliver.”

Snag’s users were as enthused about the new feature as Brohanski believed they would be. Alan ‘Al’ Cahill gave rave reviews. When asked what he was most excited about, he just moaned (it was definitely like a sexual-type moan) “Drüüüuuugs” and shuffled away. Another satisfied Snag customer!

Though the new feature is just hours old, Snag’s marketing team has already begun to drop hints about the next exciting update to the app: Snag™ Extra Mile®, which will allow users to pay just 99 cents to have their purchase delivered directly into their mouth, mama-bird style, without ever having to move a muscle! This writer is hungry for more, and Snag will clearly deliver.

Varun Iyer barely knows what Snag is and refuses to find out.

A version of this article appeared on p. 10 of the Oct. 21, 2021 print edition of the Daily Nexus.