9:04 p.m., Isla Vista, CA
Isla Vistan pregamers are thrilled to hear that downtown Santa Barbara — famous for its bustling nightlife — is literally on fire tonight. Pregamers are more excited than ever to leave the place with all of their friends and cheap alcohol and pay a stranger dozens of dollars to drive them to a secondary location with the same friends and more expensive alcohol.
We spoke to one excited partygoer named George H.W. Leyte, allegedly a 22-year-old student from the state of Rhode Island.
“Bro I’m literally soooo psyched for this. Our Uber driver was all like, ‘Yo, downtown is on fire right now,’ and the whole car literally cheered, and then he was like, ‘No, like it’s literally on fire,’ and we were like, ‘HELL YEAH! That’s why we’re here, you know,’ and anyway” — at this point, Leyte paused for a long slurp from a nicotine sticotine — “we’re gonna tear it the fuck up bro.”
Bolstered by unilaterally positive sentiments from the pregaming community, this reporter ventured out into Santa Barbara himself in order to confirm reports that downtown was indeed on fire — and confirmed it was. You could hear the screams and shrieks of partiers from miles away. The steady wail and flashing lights of sirens proved that this was no average night on the town. State Street was swarming with exotic dancers that demonstrated an exceptional dedication to their firefighting costumes — the perfect complement to a lit evening.
Having witnessed the thriving night firsthand, this reporter encourages any and all readers to make their way downtown for a night that will certainly be remembered.
Varun Iyer is currently pregaming with gusto.