Annie Nymous / Daily Nexus

I’m taking this upcoming Mother’s Day seriously this year. I’m sick of dwelling on my mommy issues. I’m tired of these bitches thinking they can suck on my tits and expect no consequences. You have suckled my breast like an infant — the weakling you are — and I get nothing in return? 

Fellow mommy milker possessing Gaucho, Linda Aubrey explained to me, “I am doing for you what your mother could not provide for you twenty years later, and then what?” I fully empathize with her distress at the situation. “So basically, every year he texts his mom, ‘Sorry I forgot to call! Let me make it up to you soon!’ and meanwhile me, the one who you be suckin’ like your life depends on it, got a text, too. ‘DTF?’ Actually what the fuck?” 

From the freshman Yik Yak horny posters, to the senior Tinder thots and every little whore in between, stop sucking titties if you’re not going to treat your new matriarch with respect. Personally, I believe all six men and counting who have been all over these bitties owe me a bouquet of flowers this upcoming holiday, but, at the bare minimum, you could get me a shitty dollar store card, no? I expect you to be down at my knees this Sunday. I want a shitty coupon book, a flower made out of tissues or any other terrible craft you made for your mom in elementary school. 

I blessedly ran into single mother, third-year Gayle Gutierrez, who said, “I would not be the mother to my little Eric Gutierrez if it were not for the Tinder boy from last year sucking my tits.” She continued, “I knew when I received no Mother’s Day card, let alone no child support check, my life purpose was to raise little Eric to be a better man than his father. I’m sick of not getting the appreciation I deserve, and I think it’s time we all speak up about this.” I personally couldn’t have agreed more with Gayle. 

So, if you’re reading this Henry, Jake, Nick, Darren, Freddy or, really, any person who has sucked tits during sex, put this paper down. Get off your damn phone. Take the next Line 24x to Target and appreciate the big titty bitches in your life a bit more goddamn it. We deserve more love. 

Stinkeigh Laydee wants all her titty suckers to know she also really likes the tiny chocolate Cadbury eggs, if they’re still in stock.