Sierra Vakili / Daily Nexus

’Tis the season that pure, young and innocent future Gauchos come in masses to tour our campus. Free from the horrors of a DTD frat party and unsuspecting of the terrors that Chancellor Yang will provide of the course of these next four years, these potential freshmen bring alongside them their parents, including the most stereotypical of Karens, who wait to pounce on the closest undergrad and ask them a flurry of questions about their “incredible” college life. Alongside their siblings who clearly couldn’t give less of a shit, these children have made these past weeks hellish by bringing out every club from their dungeons, taking over dining halls and worst of all, finally bringing back tours to haunt our campus. If I were lucky enough to lead a tour, this is what I’d say. 


1. You can walk on the bike paths!

To my delight, many future Gauchos were already adhering to my advice this past weekend! Yellow is such a lovely and tempting color, so why not just walk alongside the lines?


2. Take all your classes in I.V. Theater!

Follow those lovely yellow lines all the way to I.V. Theater for one of the shortest campus commutes. It’s an easy walk to and from freshman dorms, and definitely not any sort of an inconvenience! Bonus points if you sign up for an 8 a.m. here! (The earlier your classes, the better your life will be!)


3. No one here drinks. 

Seriously. Del Playa is actually just a place that we gather at on weekends to worship Chancellor Yang and give him all our money. 


4. The Eighth Floor of the Library is the Party Floor!

On the rare occasion that there is somehow, miraculously, a party in the safe haven that is Isla Vista, it’s going to be on the upper floors of the library. It’s actually school tradition to get all of the craziness out here during finals week!


5. Talk to Everyone in the Arbor!

If you want to make friends and get free things without having your time wasted at all, talk to every person in the Arbor! Pick up every flyer! And you definitely won’t be late to your class!


6. Join CALPIRG!

They definitely won’t bother you with 20 emails a week! They won’t call you at inconvenient hours! They won’t ask you to attend every possible event! They’re definitely not a cult!


7. Take Your Parents to Ganja on Friday Nights for the Full UCSB Experience!

If your folks are still on the fence about letting you attend UCSB, Ganja is the perfect place to show them the pure, calm and studious nature of our school. Ganja offers free study sessions during every hour of the day and even has a spot for parents to meet up and talk about how homely and spiritual Isla Vista is. 


8. Eat DLG for Every Meal!

Students are constantly raving about DLG, one of our four dining halls, that has time and time again proven itself to be the best! With a wide variety of food that 100% changes every night and meals that taste like they descended from the heavens, DLG is sure to please the whole family. Gordon Ramsay himself even toured the vicinity and wept tears of joy when presented with a slice of taco pizza. 


9. Nexustentialism is a legitimate news source. 

Please stop it with this whole “satire” thing. That’s not a real word. I googled it. I am a journalist. 


10. The administration will feed off your happiness until you are a shallow husk of a human being, void of any soul. 


 Charli D’Mungrio has told the truth at least once in this article