Nexustentialism

February 14, 2022

Romantic! Tinder Match You Haven’t Talked To In Months Just Posted a Meme on Her Story

By Spaghetti Williams

Awwwww yeah! See, now THIS is a great day. Remember that girl you talked to a couple months ago? The one with the short black hair and amber eyes that seemed to sparkle when the light hit them just right? Well, today is ...

February 11, 2022

Report: Nexustentialism Tired of Being Unproblematic, Plans To Stir Up Some Shit With Alternative Satire Outlet Through Steamy Rekindled Love Affair

By Natalie Kothergirls

My dearest Gauchy, Hey. I know it’s been a while, but Valentine’s Day is coming up, and I just thought I’d reach out. How do I say this …  Gaucho Marks, I miss you.  I miss your sweet smell of lemongrass and af...

February 11, 2022

I.V. 15-Person Trap House Requires Tenants To Share Four Free COVID-19 Tests

By Julia Makarov

Isla Vista, California – In a scramble to get tested before the return of in-person classes, local trap houses are struggling to acquire tests due to the fact that walking five minutes to Loma Pelona is considered “t...

February 10, 2022

Munger Hall Fire Escape To Require Duo Multi-Factor Authentication

By Spaghetti Williams

UCSB has announced that they will be expanding the use of Duo multi-factor authentication in order to make the fire escapes at Munger Hall as harmless and fun as possible. While the original plan contained no emergency e...

February 10, 2022

Cute! Your Valentine Got You a Bag of Milk

By Casey Gallagher

“A bag of milk?!” This second-year has no fucking clue what’s going on. “My boyfriend was hyping up this gift for me for about three months straight, and man, was I excited.

February 10, 2022

Report: Some Guy Carter To Have Bitches

By Carter

Carter makes sure to keep his Google Calendar updated so that both his assistant and the most dedicated of his women can keep up to date on what he’s doing and where he may be going.

February 10, 2022

Our Little Cupid: Chancellor Yang to Wear Diaper, Tell Students to Kiss

By Fart Tent

Sporting a diaper and Cupid’s iconic bow and arrow, Yang intends to walk amongst us, looking for two kids he can totally ship together.

February 9, 2022

UCSB Republicans Angered By Gender-Neutral COVID Test

By Wohnda Libbs

  Last week, an email was sent out to the UCSB student body mandating booster shots and a COVID test administered between the dates Jan. 3 and Feb. 2. While most students accepted the logic of these rules thanks to ...

February 8, 2022

Social Justice Win! UCSB Implements Ball, Boob Holders in All Dorm Showers

By Elise Ramacciotti

Justice at last! In an effort to save face after his now infamous pay raise, Chancellor Yang agrees to install adjustable boob and ball holders in every UCSB dorm shower.  “I just can’t hold my boobs as I shampoo my...

February 8, 2022

Chancellor Yang’s Flop Era Lowkey Serving? The Student Body Weighs In

By Miss Informed

As tensions surrounding the return to online classes reach a breaking point, our favorite fancy chancy, Daddy Yang himself, is losing popularity faster than you can say “flop era.” Although the forgiving nature of th...

February 4, 2022

A Heartfelt Message to DLG — Stop It.

By Gourd Ramsey

After years of committing war crimes against their students, the staff of Nexustentialism tearfully beg the all-powerful entity known as De La Guerra dining hall to grant its students mercy by never serving another meal ...

February 2, 2022

Mold is Just a Friend, Landlord Promises

By Fart Tent

Feeling moldy lately? You and the homes of students in Isla Vista have that in common! Many students have found themselves calling up their landlords, worried about the ever growing presence of mold in their cozy little ...

February 1, 2022

Backlash Over Gaucho Mascot, Deemed “Too Sexy!”

By Spaghetti Williams

Time may be up for UCSB’s beloved mascot Olé, with claims that he is handsome, gorgeous and overall too sexy thrusting his design into hot water. The once beloved and unproblematic mascot, perhaps best known for winni...

January 31, 2022

Graduate Student Win! UC Grants COLA to Nine Very Specific Employees

By varun iyer

Siavash Ghadiri / Daily Nexus Zoom, Calif. —  Just before the pandemic began in 2020, graduate students at UCSB and around the UC system were protesting the University for a Cost Of Living Adjustment (C.O.L.A.), a sal...

January 27, 2022

Suite Life on Derrick? New Housing Plan Moves Students Into Offshore Oil Rig

By Ben Red

Plans for the rig will feature 50 suite-style rooms, common areas, free petroleum, and a dining hall. Transportation will consist of a twice-a-day boat shuttle, and a damp towel will be provided to students who decide to...

January 27, 2022

$580k Not Enough: Generous Students Start GoFundMe for Needy Yang

By Sam Franzini

As empaths, Yang’s story of trials and tribulations is excruciatingly hard to hear, but we’re thankful that the customers of UCSB support their chancellor after everything else he’s done.