Nexustentialism

It's satire, stupid.

December 2, 2021

Keg N Bottle Patron Revealed To Be Three Freshmen in a Trench Coat

By varun iyer

Disclaimer: This is a real news story, and any similarity or relationship to fictional persons, monsters, fairies and deities living or dead is a mere coincidence. ISLA VISTA, CALIFORNIA — Late last Friday night, C...

December 2, 2021

Wow! Horoscope Close Enough

By Sam Franzini

In what is surely a cosmic turn of events, an alignment of the stars, a blessing from above, second-year Hailey Bailey’s daily horoscope was close enough for her to continue believing in astrology. “I was just scroll...

November 12, 2021

Emotional Menace Taylor Swift Launches Second Premeditated Attack of the Year

By Sam Franzini

ISLA VISTA, Calif. — Residents felt shock waves of emotional distress last night as pop superstar and harbinger of seasonal depression Taylor Swift released “Red (Taylor’s Version),” her rerecording of her 2012 a...

November 4, 2021

Mungry for More? Munger Hall Unveils New ‘Ortega II’ Dining Commons

By varun iyer

IN THE BEGINNING, THERE SHALL BE NOTHING. THENCE, I SHALL SPEAK INTO EXISTENCE A DINING HALL LIKE NO OTHER THAT HAS BEEN SEEN.

November 4, 2021

Architect Pulls Out of Munger Hall Project After Allegations That Munger’s Head “Just Shaped Wrong”

By Rohan Solanki

“That head is not architecturally sound,” lamented McFadden. “He looks like an egg, like a hard-boiled Humpty Dumpty."

November 4, 2021

Heartwarming — Billionaire Charles Munger Agrees To Provide Oxygen for New Dorm Residence

By Charli D’Mungrio

“I don’t know why people are complaining,” Munger stated. “Imagine seeing 4,500 people daily. I haven’t seen anyone in weeks!"

October 30, 2021

Isla Vista Residents Throw Christmas Party to Avoid Halloween Restrictions

By Ben Red

After hearing about the local police ordinance set in place for Halloween, a few innovative UCSB students are planning to throw a Christmas party instead. “We kept hearing that I.V. isn’t throwing for shit this weeke...

October 29, 2021

Tragic! Student Explodes Trying to Hold in Cough

By Ewa Cook

Happy flu season, Gauchos! With COVID-19 terrifying everyone and their mother due to the coughing fits around public, the student body is collectively on the constant verge of convulsing as they choose to be teary-eyed a...

October 28, 2021

If I Was an Octopus, My Tentacles and I Would’ve Owned the Dining Hall by Now

By Faith Talamantez

Well shit! My tummy just rumbled — a foreboding sign that the quest to the dining hall is soon to come. We’ve all dealt with the annoying inconveniences of the dining hall, from not being able to carry all of our foo...

October 28, 2021

Festive! Sunday Scaries Temporarily Rebranded to Sunday Spookies

By Sierra Vakili

What a treat! Now, as you attempt to cope with the unbearable weight of the seventeen assignments you procrastinated atop your shoulders on a daunting Monday eve, you can think about two ghosts holding hands! Neat, right...

October 28, 2021

Horse Girl Actually Excited To See Horsey Cops This Halloweekend

By H.L. Adams

Perhaps the only fan of Isla Vista’s horse-mounted officers, UCSB’s own horse girl, Filly Gelding, revels in anticipation to hear the clip-clop of hooves against the pavement each year.

October 21, 2021

Shit! Pedestrian Painfully Aware They’ll Never See Hot Biker Again

By Sam Franzini

Try not to stare. Stare anyway. Who cares? Everyone’s focusing on their own bike, listening to music and attempting not to crash. The eyes. The hair. The way their legs … move? They kind of pedal … perfectly.

October 21, 2021

Snag to Drop Charade, Just Start Selling Drugs

By varun iyer

Snag exists to serve the Isla Vista community,” Brohanski shouted (we’re not really sure why he was shouting). “And, frankly, the Isla Vista community is kind of a bunch of alcoholics with a studying problem."

October 21, 2021

UCSB To Remove Lagoon

By Chace Duma

That’s right. Say goodbye to your favorite stinky puddle, to those mysterious, murky depths, beckoning … calling for you … yes … come closer … dip a toe in… No! No longer!

October 14, 2021

The Official Nexustentialism Guide for the Bike Path

By Sam Franzini

Tricycles always have the right of way. Because they’re so little and adorable, UCSB students always let the gaggle of toddlers who ride their tricycles go by first since they have to go home from day care. Don’t wan...