Natalie Kothergirls / Daily Nexus

Awwwww yeah! See, now THIS is a great day. Remember that girl you talked to a couple months ago? The one with the short black hair and amber eyes that seemed to sparkle when the light hit them just right? Well, today is your lucky day, because BOOM! The latest post from grandmas.butt is up, up, and away onto her story. 

THIS is what you’ve been waiting for. This is your shot. Like from Hamilton. This is your time to shine. That’s also kinda like Hamilton, but a little bit less directly. What should you say? Laughing emoji? No. Laughing CAT emoji. Girls love cats, so she will probably love cats too, because she is a girl and also because she has a vagina (another word for vagina is pussy) (pussy means cat). This is perfect. Something so simple and yet so meaningful. Maybe add a little note too. “lmao I love that one” or “hahaha dude that made me laugh”. Either one. It doesn’t matter. What matters is that you’re back in action, baby. You’re Cam Akers coming back from a torn Achilles to lead his team to a Super Bowl. The moment she opens this, memories of the one date you went on are going to come rushing in, and she won’t be able to resist you. 

And it’s okay if she doesn’t respond for a while! Even if she’s seen it. That just means that she’s mulling it over. Girls like to think a lot and formulate responses and make sure they’re really saying the right thing (this is because of how their brains are). You know a lot about girl’s brains because you read an article about them in the New York Times. Remember how the New York Times bought Wordle? You wonder if she likes Wordle. Maybe you can ask her. Maybe if she doesn’t respond to your cat emoji, you can wait a couple days and say “you like Wordle?” and she will probably say yes and you can strike up a convo from there. Maybe she’ll mention that she doesn’t have a Valentine’s day date and then you can say “hey neither do I” and you can go downtown to an Italian place (you can drive her) and your dad can Venmo you some money for the date because you’re kind of short on cash right now. He’ll see the importance. Hot girls don’t like broke guys. They want to be spoiled like fruit that’s been left out for a long time. Like, WAY too long. To the point where it’s annoying your roommates and they text the group chat asking if anyone knows what the smell in the kitchen is and you say you don’t know because you’re ashamed that you let it get that bad. Somebody will clean it up soon anyways. Probably. Hopefully. Don’t worry about it.

Go to your closet and pick out whatever has the least amount of wrinkles. You’ve got a date to plan.

Spaghetti Williams has been safely extracted from the time portal but lost his wallet in there and is going to have to go back to the future and get it