Casey Gallagher / Daily Nexus

Ah yes, if it isn’t the time of year for what is indisputably everyone’s favorite holiday: Valentine’s Day. I know you horny losers have been waiting all year to see what kind of cliché and uninspired lace garment your partner gets you for your long night of disgustingly vanilla sex. However, what if I told you that your special one is pulling out all the stops and getting you none other than … a bag of milk!

“A bag of milk?!” This second-year has no fucking clue what’s going on. “My boyfriend was hyping up this gift for me for about three months straight, and man, was I excited. But I then came to discover that this man genuinely bought me a soggy-ass bag of milk. That’s it…and it was the best day of my life. I can’t believe he actually got me something! AHHHH! *squeal*” 

Now you may be asking, what exactly is a bag of milk? For those of you who had to suffer through your elementary school years without the sweet, loving embrace of neopolitan heaven, a bag of milk is exactly what it sounds like. An inflated plastic square, plump with cow titty juice in either regular, chocolate or strawberry flavors. The bags operate by stabbing a tiny, red straw in the middle of the square as if injecting steroids into a bicep. It is glory, it is joy, it is nostalgia. The perfect gift, right?

This first-year man had the opposite opinion about his boyfriend’s generous gift. “Is it supposed to be like an innuendo? There has to be more than this, right?” Wrong … That’s it, baby! “I mean…I guess it’s better than nothing,” he complained. Yes it is better than nothing, it’s far grander than nothing. It’s a gift from God, a sight from heaven. So despite the negative reaction from this ungrateful leech, the men are surprisingly pulling out all the stops this year. But they’re not the only ones in on this trend.

One fourth-year woman exclaimed, “Oh my goodness, my girlfriend could not have thought of a better gift! I always tell her I want mommy’s milk, and she finally came through.” Beautiful, just beautiful. At least this woman understands the privilege of receiving creamy, dripping glory. 

Anyway, folks, if you’re seeking the best way to please your partner this Valentine’s Day, throw away all the roses, chocolates and lace, and come through with the moist, illustrious glory of a milk pouch. Get that bag, losers!

Casey Gallagher wishes she could relive the pure ecstasy of drinking a chocolate milk bag for the first time.

A version of this article appeared on p. 9 of the Feb. 10, 2022 print edition of the Daily Nexus.