Nexustentialism

October 14, 2021

UCSB Library Adds Two New Sides: Tree and Rock

By Kathleen Santacruz

Dedicated to that one rock by the Arbor and some tree that looks like all of the other trees on campus, the new sides of the library have already made an impact on student life.

October 7, 2021

“No Eating Indoors” Rule Disappoints Local Whores

By Natalie Kothergirls

“I’m totally gonna miss getting sucked off in the lib,” said some guy who has definitely never gotten sucked off in the lib.

October 7, 2021

Farting Man in Girvetz Must’ve Forgotten He Can’t Mute Himself

By Bee Neeter

For this apparent flatulence fiend terrorizing Girvetz 2115, sphincter control appears to have been an oversight in the shift from online classes. 

September 30, 2021

Did Quarantine Ruin Your Social Skills Or Are You Just Less Pleasant Now?: A Brief Guide

By Miss Informed

Hopefully this guide has illustrated the slight, but crucial differences between a post-quarantine slip-up and being an inherent fuck-up! Now go out there, have fun, and be safe! Or don’t, because you may be a menace t...

September 30, 2021

UCSB To Combat Student Loneliness By Stuffing Seven Roommates In One Dorm

By Sam Franzini

“We’re so excited about the opportunity of having a baker’s dozen students in one dorm,” the Director of Student Friendship Susan Poleman told Nexustentialism.

September 23, 2021

Senior Dreading Seeing That One Bitch

By A. Wiessass

With our return to in-person instruction, we all know we are bound to see that one bitch that can make our blood run cold and boil simultaneously. 

September 23, 2021

Cottage Hospital Introduces ICU Bunk Beds

By varun iyer, Sierra Vakili

Patients at Cottage reportedly enjoy the new bunk bed experience. In addition to inter-patient intercourse skyrocketing 76%, patient morale seems to have been boosted by the new project as well.

September 8, 2021

Fourth-year CLIT Major Still Can’t Find It

By Natalie Kothergirls

Empty-handed in my pilgrimage toward the truly exquisite CLIT. My bildungsroman has come and gone … I have passed my point of no return.” Simpcellington, a virgin, turns 22 on Thursday. 

August 26, 2021

Lagoon Monster’s Parents Wish That He’d Call Home More Often

By H.L. Adams

Notwithstanding that UC Santa Barbara’s lagoon resident Swamp Yang is a full-fledged adult, his parents, Mr. and Mrs. Yang, wish that he’d call home more often. If Mrs. Yang doesn’t receive a phone call from her so...

August 26, 2021

Incoming Freshman Leaks Own SSN To Integrate Into Campus Culture

By A. Wiessass

One incoming freshman has gone above and beyond in his efforts to find his fit on campus and has leaked his own social security number in order to find common ground with elder Gauchos.

August 25, 2021

UCSB “Classroom Building” To Be Unveiled Along With “Sitting Chairs” and “Talking Podiums”

By Miss Informed

Do you often find yourself utterly bewildered as to the function of everyday objects? Are you also disillusioned with the barren landscape of our fine institution? Well, you’re in luck, because for the first time in ov...

August 23, 2021

Envious of Delta Success, Local ZBT Man Attempts To Cultivate “Zeta” Strain

By varun iyer

Warnings, panic and general hubbub about the new Delta strain of COVID-19 have been dominating the news cycle over the past few weeks. Envious of all the attention showered on Delta, local Zeta Beta Tau brother Chad Broh...

August 18, 2021

Instagram Debuts New “Ironic Follow” Feature, Allowing Users To Keep Up With Hated Celebrities

By Sam Franzini

Those tired by constantly having to search up their favorite hated Instagram accounts to see if they’ve posted any more ridiculous content can worry no more: Instagram will finally let you follow these users, judgement...

August 5, 2021

Bee Population Nearly Annihilated After Year Without CALPIRG Harassment

By A. Wiessass

Many have been both shocked and saddened by this news, but also deeply surprised by the reason behind this decline.

July 30, 2021

Oh No! Isla Vista Roller Skaters Realize They Can’t All Be The Main Character

By A. Wiessass

DEL PLAYA ROAD — Dust and confusion were both kicked up into the air on Saturday as 24 separate roller skaters collided in what can only be described as a cartoon-like whirlwind of limbs and wheels. The accident sent s...

July 23, 2021

Five Meals UCSB Freshman Can Look Forward to Eating at Ortega

By Emma Demorest

"This crowd pleaser is an innovative take on the classic gazpacho. Ortega chefs insist that this dish was in fact heavily requested by students and not created due to a tight budget."