Sierra Vakili // Daily Nexus

After years of committing war crimes against their students, the staff of Nexustentialism tearfully beg the all-powerful entity known as De La Guerra dining hall to grant its students mercy by never serving another meal again. 

Just days after breaking news that a new variant of COVID-19 had been discovered in DLG’s ice cream trays, the dining hall unveiled something even worse. Looking like the remains of your toilet after a night of DP partying and Deja Vu eating, DLG’s latest monstrosities have struck fear into the hearts of hundreds of students. 

Upon entering the twilight zone, De La Guerra dining commons, you wonder how long your body can survive on slices of pizza and lettuce. You assume you’ll find solace in the hall’s two soda machines, but another cruelty awaits you. You scour the labels to search for a delicious soda to wash away the pain, but alas, UCSB is a Pepsi school and only offers sodas as bitter as the UCSB parents Facebook group. After minutes of staring at the same four meals, desperately hoping something edible will emerge from the darkness, you make your decision.

Looking like something the Grinch would produce after ten cans of Trulys, your unidentifiable green meal looks less appetizing than a bed of nails. DLG’s claim to fame is being mentioned in a Jack Johnson song about feet, which ironically is exactly what this meal is reported to have tasted like. 

DLG, also known as UCSB’s own personal glitch in the matrix, is the campus’ most frequented dining hall, often leading to long lines and overcrowding. Once you battle a freshman to the death for a coveted table with only one working leg, you finally sit down to devour your meal. You consider if the grass outside the Chi-5 would be more edible. 

At least breakfast is good. 

Gordon Ramsey wishes that DLG only made those Tollhouse Cookie Bars.