Nexustentialism

It's satire, stupid.

July 16, 2021

Pardall Tunnel Experiences Dry Spell, Hasn’t Been Turned On In Weeks

By Natalie Kothergirls

Pardall Tunnel herself remains parched, empty and in desperate need of a biker — or several eager bikers — to just run through her already.

July 13, 2021

Dr. Pepper Is Actually a Woman, You Sexist Fuck

By H.L. Adams

Pepper admits that she was motivated to post it after experiencing sexism firsthand in her workplace

June 9, 2021

Your Bike Wasn’t Stolen, It Left Because You Didn’t Treat It Right

By Natalie Kothergirls

“Hey, I’m at the Bike Boutique right now … Really has me thinking that you were always my Bike Boo. I should’ve been more willing to switch gears for you. I just wish we could backpedal and pick up where we left ...

June 8, 2021

Heartbroken By UCLA Rejection, Oprah Winfrey Agrees To Speak at UCSB

By varun iyer

Last week, the Gaucho community received exciting news that Oprah Winfrey — entertainment tycoon and one of the nation’s wealthiest self-made women — would be speaking at UC Santa Barbara’s spring commencement. W...

May 25, 2021

I.V. Pregamers Thrilled by Reports That Downtown Is Literally On Fire Tonight

By varun iyer

Isla Vistan pregamers are thrilled to hear that downtown Santa Barbara — famous for its bustling nightlife — is literally on fire tonight.

May 24, 2021

Instagram Infographics Saturate the Market, Demand Plummets

By Miss Informed

This new surge in popularity of activism-adjacent paraphernalia has led to the overproduction of Instagram infographics to the point of market saturation

May 20, 2021

New Slop Just Dropped

By Chace Duma

I arrived at Ortega under the cover of darkness, as instructed. I knocked at the door three times and was immediately whisked inside, blindfolded and led to the middle of the dining common.

May 20, 2021

Due to Extensive Use, Culture To Impose Cancellation Fee

By varun iyer

“All of you are why we can’t have nice things. We tried to do a good thing and let anyone cancel people that deserved it, but y’all had to go and ruin it”

May 19, 2021

Ortega? What’s That? Babe, You Sound Kind Of Insane Right Now…

By Sam Franzini

I do believe you! But when you’re just making up places that I’ve never heard before, it’s a little suspicious.

May 18, 2021

A Question For the ages: Am I Pegnate?

By Gil Norris

also rnt you supposed to get cravings if you are prengnate? last night I really was craving ice cream. i ate so much of it but i couldn’t taste it right i just needed to eat more and more. that sounds like pregercy to ...

May 17, 2021

Rec Cen Lifeguards Upset They Might Actually Have To Do Something Now

By Roberto Gutierrez

As spring slowly turns to Summer, more and more students will be looking to use the pool at the Rec Cen, with no regard to how the lifeguards feel. Unless you’re a decent swimmer, I recommend making like Lady Gaga and ...

May 10, 2021

Sad! Library Chairs Haven’t Felt a Fart in More Than a Year

By Emma Demorest

“What we’re seeing is a lot of chairs kind of shriveling up in the cushion part,” Davidson custodian and chair expert Frank Todd said. “Without the farts, they really lose all the life in them.”

April 27, 2021

Dining Halls Ranked by Someone Who Hasn’t Been to Any of Them

By Kathleen Santacruz

Anticipation is rising among UC Santa Barbara students who have chosen to stay at home during the pandemic, many of them freshman who have never been to campus. We at Nexustentialism decided to lend a helping hand and pr...

April 23, 2021

A.S. Candidates to Receive Honorary Theater Degree in Light of Recent Performativity

By A. Wiessass

"All of these prospective senators have worked so hard to put on the mask of progress and social justice in such a diligent manner that their efforts mirror those of the greatest method actors of our time. Their ability ...

April 22, 2021

A Letter to the Editor

By varun iyer

X. Varun Iyer was recently informed that he gets paid per article, not per letter.

April 21, 2021

Amid Controversy, GauchoSpace Renamed to Space

By varun iyer

Students demonstrated against the website by continuing to use it normally, which repeatedly caused the site to slow and crash at inconvenient times. One student described the protests as a “carefully coordinated attac...