Welcome back, UCSB! Boy, oh boy, are there a lot of rules in regard to coming back safely, especially since there are so many new people here. Lecture time is almost over, but hear me out, the bike path is one of the most integral parts of the UCSB campus, so it’s important to navigate it correctly! If you’re a new freshman, Nexustentialism has you covered with the only guide you’ll need to get to your classes in no time.
Oopsie! Don’t walk there! Many make the mistake of walking on the bike path due to its nice asphalt and pretty yellow lines, but watch out! It’s just for bikes!
Tricycles always have the right of way. Because they’re so little and adorable, UCSB students always let the gaggle of toddlers who ride their tricycles go by first since they have to go home from day care. Don’t want Starbucks mommies to punish their tardy tots!
The bike paths are closed every day due to maintenance from 5-5:30 a.m., which impacts practically nobody except sickos who workout in the wee hours of the morning just to say they can.
Do not attempt the loop-de-loop.
One time there was this student attempting an art project on the bike path, trying to make it a metaphor for our commercialized society and how we’re always in a rush or something. Someone got mad and they ran into her, and she went flying so far into space she made national headlines because no one has ever done an art project in space before. UCSB dedicated a memorial tombstone in her memory, so when you see it on the way to Girvetz, say “Hi Shelby!” This isn’t a rule or anything, new students should just learn their history.
Sunday is Twin Day! If you aren’t riding alongside someone, the Bike Patrol can and will push you off.
If you see Gorgoth the Bike Gremlin, don’t follow him into his lair. It looks cool, but many new students have perished trying to enter his slimy abode. He will lure you. But you need to play it cool, remember that you have many T-shirts at home, you do not need one more and then calmly bike past.
If you do mistakenly enter Gorgoth’s lair, he has dinner from 4:30-9 p.m everyday. (What a fatty, am I right? But he feasts on young students for sustenance. Best not to mention his abundance of food, he’s quite self-conscious about his weight still.) This is your chance to quietly sneak out of the sludge-drenched cavern and escape. And if you have two months to spare, you can wait for an appointment with UCSB Counseling & Psychological Services to get through your trauma.
Don’t look at your phone on the bike path! Social media use has been proven to increase loneliness, anxiety and depression in teens. Instead, choose a healthy option like reading a book or preparing a delicious salad while you ride to class.
We hope these tips will help you during your travels this year! Best to print this out and stick it in a notebook somewhere to remember.
Sam Franzini doesn’t remember people being this dumb two years ago.