Sierra Vakili // Daily Nexus

Well shit! My tummy just rumbled — a foreboding sign that the quest to the dining hall is soon to come. We’ve all dealt with the annoying inconveniences of the dining hall, from not being able to carry all of our food in one trip to waiting in ridiculously long lines just to get something to eat. Most of these problems are unavoidable, as we humans have no way to solve most of our problems. However, if I was an octopus, I would rule the dining hall and be rid of the silly little human ailments we all deal with. 

In a nice, little sweater that says “octopus” across the front and has eight arm holes, I would floop, floop, floop my way around, arms at the ready. For breakfast, I could schlooop my way up onto the counter and dispense every single kind of cereal at once. With my cereal in hand(s), it would just be a matter of finding a seat, which as an octopus would be no problem since everyone thinks I’m cool and wants to be my friend.

My many, many friends would tell you, “They are just really tenta-cool.”

Lunch and dinner would be the same. I could easily grab my firsts and seconds plus a drink without breaking a sweat or getting up more than once and thus being forced to once again stare deeply into the eyes of the Carrillo employees, making them instantly fall in love with me. 

While grabbing food would be easy, the lines to get to the food, unfortunately, would not disappear just because I am an octopus. Unfortunately for me, everyone wants to stand by me and eat the same food that I am eating so the line follows me wherever I go. You could call me an influencer. However, with my tentacles and their handy suction cups, the lines would be easy to manage. I would simply suction cup your forehead, move you behind me and make my way up the line. While this might upset some, I am an octopus, and hitting me would just be downright rude. An oct of hatred, if you will. 

With my beloved followers in tow, the dining hall has quickly changed from being a daily source of anxiety to the place I feel most comfortable. I don’t even have to worry about forgetting my Access Card anymore, as it is always stuck to arm number six. As an octopus, I have brought joy and peace to the dining hall not only for myself, but for those around me as well (I am very popular). 

“They’ve changed my life for the better” is something you will hear one of my many friends say. “I couldn’t have graduated without them.”

Being a human is hard, as we all know, especially when it comes to navigating the dining halls. If you ever find yourself struggling and juggling with your food,  just think of me (I am an octopus), as I floop-flop and squish-shlomp my way around you, showing you just how amazing my life is. My great life is sure to inspire you. Hopefully with me in mind, you, too, can start enjoying the dining hall experience.

Faith Talamantez inked a little.