UNIVERSITY LIBRARY – Mask up, Gauchos! There’s a new sheriff in town by the name of Corona Virus, and she’s a feisty dominatrix with a thing for masks. Given the cruel circumstances of Ms. Rona’s reign, UC Santa Barbara has got some new rules in place, one of which is keeping that gosh-darned face covering on at all times (including over your nose, Jonathan). As a result, no eating is permitted in indoor spaces, a rule that evoked a fiery rage from campus’ arguably most radical anti-mask community: the whores who engage in public cunnilingus.
“I’m totally gonna miss getting sucked off in the lib,” said some guy who has definitely never gotten sucked off in the lib. “Now I have to keep my mask on to ensure the safety of myself and those around me, especially at-risk groups like immunocompromised broskis and homies over the age of 70. Like, what the fuck, dude?” the guy roared, some of his saliva landing on our Nexustentialism field reporter. Our reporter’s COVID-19 rapid test came back negative.
However, some slutty Gauchos agree that sacrifices need to be made in these times for the sake of everyone’s safety. “It’s an easy choice, you know?” fourth-year student Igor Taboner said. “There are two options: spreading an infectious disease or wearing a mask while I go down on my girlfriend in a study room. Seems pretty obvious to me.”
Other students, however, aren’t as lucky. Second-year student Fia Latio Zoomed in from UCSB isolation housing to tell Nexustentialism about the risks of indoor dick-eating. “I thought it was just going to be regular exhibitionism on eigth, but then he gave me COVID!” Latio said, breaking down in tears. “I wish I had worn a mask!”
When push comes to shove, some Gauchos have been forced to take up crafty solutions. “They never said no drinking!” exclaimed an anonymous Gaucho with a straw.
To mitigate COVID-19 exposure risk, whores are advised to take their public oral sex to alternative outdoor locations, such as library patios, the UCen lawn or good old-fashioned Campus Point. However, University Library administrators know that this rule probably won’t stop some of you. Anyway, just make sure to be safe, get consent and wear that mask.
Natalie Kothergirls is hungry.
A version of this article appeared on p. 12 of the Oct. 7, 2021 print edition of the Daily Nexus.