My dearest Gauchy, Hey. I know it’s been a while, but Valentine’s Day is coming up, and I just thought I’d reach out. How do I say this … Gaucho Marks, I miss you. I miss your sweet smell ...
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“I’m totally gonna miss getting sucked off in the lib,” said some guy who has definitely never gotten sucked off in the lib.
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Empty-handed in my pilgrimage toward the truly exquisite CLIT. My bildungsroman has come and gone … I have passed my point of no return.” Simpcellington, a virgin, turns 22 on Thursday.
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Pardall Tunnel herself remains parched, empty and in desperate need of a biker — or several eager bikers — to just run through her already.
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“Hey, I’m at the Bike Boutique right now … Really has me thinking that you were always my Bike Boo. I should’ve been more willing to switch gears for you. I just wish we could backpedal and pi...
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Kyle DeNile from Newport Beach, had lots to say about Isla Vista’s disparity from Pengu Island. “Things are off to a rocky start. I haven’t met even one former surf star who faked his own death ...
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Disclaimer: This article is a humorous interpretation of the events of the past few days of the kind-of-a-city-but-not-really of Isla Vista, California. If you do not live in Isla Vista, you may not u...
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While classics such as “Fuck You, Flavored Cream Cheese” will always hold a special place in our hearts, we have found it necessary to move on to bigger, bolder, more bountiful horizons of content...
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“Please … please, I’m begging … they took everything from me …” a footless, maskless partygoer in pain moaned. Her 20 crop-top-donning companions sprinted away in a fashion not unlike a ga...
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“Book book, study study! Ooga booga, horny!”
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"when questioned as to 'what the hell they’re gonna do with all those shitty little beds,' Jared shrugged and gestured to a ceiling-high pile of loaves of white bread in the corner of his room. What...
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With this delicious new dish, naturally, comes the question, “which part of the tursnowyploverducken am I?” Complete this festive little quiz to find out!
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Members of club sports teams, if they haven’t already retreated to the darkest corners of their homes in shame, are reported to have continued doing jumping jacks in their living rooms, dreaming the...
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"Wearing Tillys was a pretty good form of abstinence until it started physically repulsing my close friends and family."
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The University of California has recently made the landmark decision to embark into a new frontier of educational possibilities: The Zoom classes utilized for remote instruction during the Spring Quar...
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The top and bottom students must fight to the death
Students can only use the fourth floor of the library
Students must raise their hands 3.79 times per class, or fail
Mandatory reading: Taylor Swift's complete discography
The final is worth 90% of the final grade
Attendance is mandatory, even if you have COVID-19 or monekypox
Your grade will be curved down by 10%, minimum
Lab consists of weekly animal sacrifices and rune reading
Failing students are sent to the bottom of the lagoon
No crying, not even at home. Big Yang is watching you.
No electronic devices allowed, including cell phones, laptops, tablets and lightbulbs
Must choreograph and perform an interpretive dance for 0.5 extra credit points
