“No Eating Indoors” Rule Disappoints Local Whores

October 7, 2021 by

“I’m totally gonna miss getting sucked off in the lib,” said some guy who has definitely never gotten sucked off in the lib.
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Fourth-year CLIT Major Still Can’t Find It

September 8, 2021 by

Empty-handed in my pilgrimage toward the truly exquisite CLIT. My bildungsroman has come and gone … I have passed my point of no return.” Simpcellington, a virgin, turns 22 on Thursday. 
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Pardall Tunnel Experiences Dry Spell, Hasn’t Been Turned On In Weeks

July 16, 2021 by

Pardall Tunnel herself remains parched, empty and in desperate need of a biker — or several eager bikers — to just run through her already.
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Your Bike Wasn’t Stolen, It Left Because You Didn’t Treat It Right

June 9, 2021 by

“Hey, I’m at the Bike Boutique right now … Really has me thinking that you were always my Bike Boo. I should’ve been more willing to switch gears for you. I just wish we could backpedal and pi...
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UCSB Freshman Voices: “We Thought This Would Be More Like Surf’s Up”

April 6, 2021 by

Kyle DeNile from Newport Beach, had lots to say about Isla Vista’s disparity from Pengu Island. “Things are off to a rocky start. I haven’t met even one former surf star who faked his own death ...
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Report: It Rained

March 11, 2021 by

Disclaimer: This article is a humorous interpretation of the events of the past few days of the kind-of-a-city-but-not-really of Isla Vista, California. If you do not live in Isla Vista, you may not u...
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Nexustentialism to Stop Writing Satire, Go Back to Plain Ol’ Lies

February 22, 2021 by

While classics such as “Fuck You, Flavored Cream Cheese” will always hold a special place in our hearts, we have found it necessary to move on to bigger, bolder, more bountiful horizons of content...
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Success! IV Foot Patrol Finally Clears IV of All Feet

January 27, 2021 by

“Please … please, I’m begging … they took everything from me …” a footless, maskless partygoer in pain moaned. Her 20 crop-top-donning companions sprinted away in a fashion not unlike a ga...
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Library Masturbator Doing Really Badly Right Now

January 9, 2021 by

“Book book, study study! Ooga booga, horny!”
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Finally! F.T. To Be Replaced With North and South Subways

January 3, 2021 by

"when questioned as to 'what the hell they’re gonna do with all those shitty little beds,' Jared shrugged and gestured to a ceiling-high pile of loaves of white bread in the corner of his room. What...
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QUIZ: Which Part of the Thanksgiving Tursnowyploverducken Are You?

November 27, 2020 by

With this delicious new dish, naturally, comes the question, “which part of the tursnowyploverducken am I?” Complete this festive little quiz to find out!
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Club Sports Teams Now Even More Embarrassing Than Before

November 16, 2020 by

Members of club sports teams, if they haven’t already retreated to the darkest corners of their homes in shame, are reported to have continued doing jumping jacks in their living rooms, dreaming the...
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Later, Skater! Even Campus Virgins Denounce Tillys

November 4, 2020 by

"Wearing Tillys was a pretty good form of abstinence until it started physically repulsing my close friends and family."
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UCSB To Have In-Person Zoom Classes

June 19, 2020 by

The University of California has recently made the landmark decision to embark into a new frontier of educational possibilities: The Zoom classes utilized for remote instruction during the Spring Quar...
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Sad! You Were Expecting a Nexustentialism Article, But I Was Too Depressed To Write One

May 20, 2020 by

That’s it, that’s the article.
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