Natalie Kothergirls

October 2, 2022

Incoming freshman decides racist mascot fucked up, but not dealbreaker

By Natalie Kothergirls

“I thought it was a raccoon,” the poor little dunce choked out through tears of white guilt.

February 11, 2022

Report: Nexustentialism Tired of Being Unproblematic, Plans To Stir Up Some Shit With Alternative Satire Outlet Through Steamy Rekindled Love Affair

By Natalie Kothergirls

My dearest Gauchy, Hey. I know it’s been a while, but Valentine’s Day is coming up, and I just thought I’d reach out. How do I say this …  Gaucho Marks, I miss you.  I miss your sweet smell of lemongrass and af...

October 7, 2021

“No Eating Indoors” Rule Disappoints Local Whores

By Natalie Kothergirls

“I’m totally gonna miss getting sucked off in the lib,” said some guy who has definitely never gotten sucked off in the lib.

September 8, 2021

Fourth-year CLIT Major Still Can’t Find It

By Natalie Kothergirls

Empty-handed in my pilgrimage toward the truly exquisite CLIT. My bildungsroman has come and gone … I have passed my point of no return.” Simpcellington, a virgin, turns 22 on Thursday. 

July 16, 2021

Pardall Tunnel Experiences Dry Spell, Hasn’t Been Turned On In Weeks

By Natalie Kothergirls

Pardall Tunnel herself remains parched, empty and in desperate need of a biker — or several eager bikers — to just run through her already.

June 9, 2021

Your Bike Wasn’t Stolen, It Left Because You Didn’t Treat It Right

By Natalie Kothergirls

“Hey, I’m at the Bike Boutique right now … Really has me thinking that you were always my Bike Boo. I should’ve been more willing to switch gears for you. I just wish we could backpedal and pick up where we left ...

April 6, 2021

UCSB Freshman Voices: “We Thought This Would Be More Like Surf’s Up”

By Natalie Kothergirls

Kyle DeNile from Newport Beach, had lots to say about Isla Vista’s disparity from Pengu Island. “Things are off to a rocky start. I haven’t met even one former surf star who faked his own death out of an inability ...

March 11, 2021

Report: It Rained

By Natalie Kothergirls

Disclaimer: This article is a humorous interpretation of the events of the past few days of the kind-of-a-city-but-not-really of Isla Vista, California. If you do not live in Isla Vista, you may not understand the comple...

February 22, 2021

Nexustentialism to Stop Writing Satire, Go Back to Plain Ol’ Lies

By Natalie Kothergirls

While classics such as “Fuck You, Flavored Cream Cheese” will always hold a special place in our hearts, we have found it necessary to move on to bigger, bolder, more bountiful horizons of content.

January 27, 2021

Success! IV Foot Patrol Finally Clears IV of All Feet

By Natalie Kothergirls

“Please … please, I’m begging … they took everything from me …” a footless, maskless partygoer in pain moaned. Her 20 crop-top-donning companions sprinted away in a fashion not unlike a gaggle of geese.

January 9, 2021

Library Masturbator Doing Really Badly Right Now

By Natalie Kothergirls

“Book book, study study! Ooga booga, horny!”

January 3, 2021

Finally! F.T. To Be Replaced With North and South Subways

By Natalie Kothergirls

"when questioned as to 'what the hell they’re gonna do with all those shitty little beds,' Jared shrugged and gestured to a ceiling-high pile of loaves of white bread in the corner of his room. What he meant by this ge...

November 27, 2020

QUIZ: Which Part of the Thanksgiving Tursnowyploverducken Are You?

By Natalie Kothergirls

With this delicious new dish, naturally, comes the question, “which part of the tursnowyploverducken am I?” Complete this festive little quiz to find out!

November 16, 2020

Club Sports Teams Now Even More Embarrassing Than Before

By Natalie Kothergirls

Members of club sports teams, if they haven’t already retreated to the darkest corners of their homes in shame, are reported to have continued doing jumping jacks in their living rooms, dreaming their longing dreams of...

November 4, 2020

Later, Skater! Even Campus Virgins Denounce Tillys

By Natalie Kothergirls

"Wearing Tillys was a pretty good form of abstinence until it started physically repulsing my close friends and family."

June 19, 2020

UCSB To Have In-Person Zoom Classes

By Natalie Kothergirls

The University of California has recently made the landmark decision to embark into a new frontier of educational possibilities: The Zoom classes utilized for remote instruction during the Spring Quarter 2020 will soon t...