Your Bike Wasn’t Stolen, It Left Because You Didn’t Treat It Right

June 9, 2021 by

“Hey, I’m at the Bike Boutique right now … Really has me thinking that you were always my Bike Boo. I should’ve been more willing to switch gears for you. I just wish we could backpedal and pi...
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UCSB Freshman Voices: “We Thought This Would Be More Like Surf’s Up”

April 6, 2021 by

Kyle DeNile from Newport Beach, had lots to say about Isla Vista’s disparity from Pengu Island. “Things are off to a rocky start. I haven’t met even one former surf star who faked his own death ...
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Report: It Rained

March 11, 2021 by

Disclaimer: This article is a humorous interpretation of the events of the past few days of the kind-of-a-city-but-not-really of Isla Vista, California. If you do not live in Isla Vista, you may not u...
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Nexustentialism to Stop Writing Satire, Go Back to Plain Ol’ Lies

February 22, 2021 by

While classics such as “Fuck You, Flavored Cream Cheese” will always hold a special place in our hearts, we have found it necessary to move on to bigger, bolder, more bountiful horizons of content...
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Success! IV Foot Patrol Finally Clears IV of All Feet

January 27, 2021 by

“Please … please, I’m begging … they took everything from me …” a footless, maskless partygoer in pain moaned. Her 20 crop-top-donning companions sprinted away in a fashion not unlike a ga...
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Library Masturbator Doing Really Badly Right Now

January 9, 2021 by

“Book book, study study! Ooga booga, horny!”
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Finally! F.T. To Be Replaced With North and South Subways

January 3, 2021 by

"when questioned as to 'what the hell they’re gonna do with all those shitty little beds,' Jared shrugged and gestured to a ceiling-high pile of loaves of white bread in the corner of his room. What...
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QUIZ: Which Part of the Thanksgiving Tursnowyploverducken Are You?

November 27, 2020 by

With this delicious new dish, naturally, comes the question, “which part of the tursnowyploverducken am I?” Complete this festive little quiz to find out!
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Club Sports Teams Now Even More Embarrassing Than Before

November 16, 2020 by

Members of club sports teams, if they haven’t already retreated to the darkest corners of their homes in shame, are reported to have continued doing jumping jacks in their living rooms, dreaming the...
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Later, Skater! Even Campus Virgins Denounce Tillys

November 4, 2020 by

"Wearing Tillys was a pretty good form of abstinence until it started physically repulsing my close friends and family."
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UCSB To Have In-Person Zoom Classes

June 19, 2020 by

The University of California has recently made the landmark decision to embark into a new frontier of educational possibilities: The Zoom classes utilized for remote instruction during the Spring Quar...
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Sad! You Were Expecting a Nexustentialism Article, But I Was Too Depressed To Write One

May 20, 2020 by

That’s it, that’s the article.
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UCSB Eases Admission Requirements, “Pants No Longer Required”

May 12, 2020 by

The long-awaited decision came after weeks of pantsless Zoom-call deliberation among COVID-19 response staff.
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Sad! Girl in Quarantine Running Out of Boys to Drunk Text

April 16, 2020 by

  Half a bottle of raspberry Smirnoff seeped into the carpet of UC Santa Barbara sophomore Sarah Varelli’s room in her parents’ lavish upper-middle-class Temecula home Thursday night after ...
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UCSB Employees You’re Legally Allowed To Fuck

January 23, 2020 by

You’re back at it again, you sick hedonist! If you’ve spent the entirety of fall quarter desperately scouring around campus for a mere crumb of physical affection, scour no further — Nexustentia...
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