UCSB Freshman Voices: “We Thought This Would Be More Like Surf’s Up”

Kyle DeNile from Newport Beach, had lots to say about Isla Vista’s disparity from Pengu Island. “Things are off to a rocky start. I haven’t met even one former surf star who faked his own death ...
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Report: It Rained

Disclaimer: This article is a humorous interpretation of the events of the past few days of the kind-of-a-city-but-not-really of Isla Vista, California. If you do not live in Isla Vista, you may not u...
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Nexustentialism to Stop Writing Satire, Go Back to Plain Ol’ Lies

While classics such as “Fuck You, Flavored Cream Cheese” will always hold a special place in our hearts, we have found it necessary to move on to bigger, bolder, more bountiful horizons of content...
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Success! IV Foot Patrol Finally Clears IV of All Feet

“Please … please, I’m begging … they took everything from me …” a footless, maskless partygoer in pain moaned. Her 20 crop-top-donning companions sprinted away in a fashion not unlike a ga...
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Library Masturbator Doing Really Badly Right Now

“Book book, study study! Ooga booga, horny!”
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Finally! F.T. To Be Replaced With North and South Subways

"when questioned as to 'what the hell they’re gonna do with all those shitty little beds,' Jared shrugged and gestured to a ceiling-high pile of loaves of white bread in the corner of his room. What...
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QUIZ: Which Part of the Thanksgiving Tursnowyploverducken Are You?

With this delicious new dish, naturally, comes the question, “which part of the tursnowyploverducken am I?” Complete this festive little quiz to find out!
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Club Sports Teams Now Even More Embarrassing Than Before

Members of club sports teams, if they haven’t already retreated to the darkest corners of their homes in shame, are reported to have continued doing jumping jacks in their living rooms, dreaming the...
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Later, Skater! Even Campus Virgins Denounce Tillys

"Wearing Tillys was a pretty good form of abstinence until it started physically repulsing my close friends and family."
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UCSB To Have In-Person Zoom Classes

The University of California has recently made the landmark decision to embark into a new frontier of educational possibilities: The Zoom classes utilized for remote instruction during the Spring Quar...
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Sad! You Were Expecting a Nexustentialism Article, But I Was Too Depressed To Write One

That’s it, that’s the article.
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UCSB Eases Admission Requirements, “Pants No Longer Required”

The long-awaited decision came after weeks of pantsless Zoom-call deliberation among COVID-19 response staff.
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Sad! Girl in Quarantine Running Out of Boys to Drunk Text

  Half a bottle of raspberry Smirnoff seeped into the carpet of UC Santa Barbara sophomore Sarah Varelli’s room in her parents’ lavish upper-middle-class Temecula home Thursday night after ...
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UCSB Employees You’re Legally Allowed To Fuck

You’re back at it again, you sick hedonist! If you’ve spent the entirety of fall quarter desperately scouring around campus for a mere crumb of physical affection, scour no further — Nexustentia...
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