After a more-than-eventful weekend in America’s Classiest City, Isla Vista Foot Patrol held a hearty celebration when they finally accomplished their long-awaited goal: clearing I.V. of any and all feet. The party was held following decades of enthusiastically pushing IV Foot Patrol’s (IVFP) anti-feet agenda, much to the dismay of the foot fetish community of I.V. The bonanza did not follow social distancing guidelines, nor the stay-at-home mandate.

“We’ve been waiting for this moment since IVFP’s inception!” Abacus Piggerton, head of IVFP, said while steadily balancing on two well-healed nubs. “We would like to let this be a lesson to all of Isla Vista: there’s not a foot we can’t patrol.” 

Piggerton’s hobbies include long walks on the beach and dealing out MIPs like a now-footless I.V. slumlord deals out Mary Jane. 

“Please … please, I’m begging … they took everything from me …” a footless, maskless partygoer in pain moaned. Her 20 crop-top-donning companions sprinted away in a fashion not unlike a gaggle of geese.

“No one is safe,” a sentient, pawless raccoon squealed.

I.V. foot patrol has still not shut down a single party. 


Natalie Kothergirls has Gucci peg legs. 

Natalie Kothergirls
I'm here to chew bubble gum and write satire... and I'm all out of bubble gum.