Max Myszkowski / Daily Nexus

Nestled into the whitewashed suburbs of America’s finest city, Goleta’s Tillys finds itself at yet another new low, previously thought impossible: Not even campus virgins will don its disastrous duds.

“No. Not even us anymore,” said Campus Virgins Spokesperson (CVS) Sarah Varelli. “Wearing Tillys was a pretty good form of abstinence until it started physically repulsing my close friends and family. I don’t know what Tilly has been putting in the water, but it can’t be good.”

When requested for a comment, Tilly themself had this to say: “We’re not putting anything in the water. The water is not contaminated. Where did you hear that? We keep a Brita in the fridge, I promise. The only pollutants in our stores are the gnarly good vibes.” 

After an innately primal human instinct prompted our Nexustentialism field reporter to projectile vomit at the precise moment that Tilly’s words were uttered, Tilly proceeded to tie a flannel around their waist, lace up their Converse high tops and penny board away from the scene. 

“We’re thinking of migrating to PacSun or maybe even Brandy Melville next. We’re really just trying to let everyone else know that they can’t have nice things, either. 2020, am I right?” Varelli joked. Upon hearing our field reporter’s half-hearted chuckle, Varelli thanked her for her time and left to go practice more abstinence, or do whatever it is that virgins do.

The UCSB abstinence championships are next Tuesday. Varelli is expected to take home the gold. 


Natalie Kothergirls was fired from Tillys.


Natalie Kothergirls
I'm here to chew bubble gum and write satire... and I'm all out of bubble gum.