Disclaimer: This article is a humorous interpretation of the events of the past few days of the kind-of-a-city-but-not-really of Isla Vista, California. If you do not live in Isla Vista, you may not understand the complex humor that lies within this article, and you are instructed to grow up and move out here already. Reader discretion is advised.
ISLA VISTA, CA — It’s that time of year, Gauchos: time for God to abandon us once more and plunge us into the depths of seasonal depression with a little bit of Pope-Francis-blessed piss from above. That’s right– we’re talking about rain season, the most wonderful time of the quarter that somehow keeps fervent young adults inside better than a state-mandated Stay At Home Order.
After what can only be described as a wet and wild weekend, residents of Isla Vista had much to say on the matter. “The rain’s a-causin’ a real fuckin’ ruckus– a fuckus, if you will,” said one absolutely soaked Gaucho who, despite our best efforts, did not stop walking throughout the entirety of our interview. “It’s really making a splish and a splash, if you know what I mean. A little plip-plop drip-drop.” The Gaucho then cupped his hands and took an enthusiastic sip of the sky’s diamonds, before letting out a barbaric screech, sprinting away, and attempting to use the watery asphalt as a slip-and-slide. He was then rushed to the hospital, only to be turned away due to the lack of ICU availability. His dying wish was “for y’all to fucking behave.” He was 21.
And the streets aren’t the only thing getting wet this winter. “There’s something about it that kind of turns me on,” said one Gauchette, on the topic of the mild risk of hydroplaning. “It’s like, what’s gonna happen? Am I gonna swerve across the road? Maybe jump into another lane? J… jump the median? Oh, fuck–” at which point she produced an orgasm so powerful that the atmospheric temperature was thrown off, and it proceeded to rain for a few more days. Whether or not the almighty orgasm was the source of the power outage Wednesday night is still under investigation.
“I don’t give a FUCK! No days off!” said one buff ‘cho, unprompted, to nothing and no one. “I don’t even care if I get wet on my twice-daily run. I’m gonna get so fucking huge, I’ll arm wrestle Poseidon himself and snap his subscapularis like a fucking toothpick, I swear to fucking god,” he continued, the pockets of his 12’ inseam basketball shorts slowly filling with a puddle of precipitation. The dog he forced to walk with him let out a disheartened whimper, as if to say “just go with it.”
Sunny skies are reported to return to Isla Vista soon, much to the dismay of the immunocompromised, who would have happily let people stay home for weeks. Regardless — the weather fuss is far from over, giving way to a new set of sky-related exclamations. Instead of “wow, it’s really coming down out there!” Gauchos are instead preparing for the inevitable swarm of people saying “jeez, thank God that’s over!”
California is reportedly still in a drought.
Natalie Kothergirls is wet.