Jai Uparkar / Daily Nexus


Folks, they’ve done it again.

The male-manipulator alcoholics of UCSB club sports are officially back with bigger and better reasons for the entirety of the Gaucho population to give them shit. Before, it was reason enough that there were grown men running around throwing differently sized and shaped balls with different appendages of their bodies. But now, as club sports transition to the Zoom sphere, onlookers can’t help but laugh at their Zoom-athlete peers.

“No. No way. No, you’ve gotta be kidding,” cackled Litera Lee Everyone when asked for her thoughts on Club Dodgeball’s Zoom workout sessions. Dodgeballs are not provided to Zoom-dodgers for the 2020-21 season; practices are now on a BYODB basis. 

“Hah! Good luck with that one!” Lee Everyone added, in regards to out-of-state students joining the Club Surf team. “Oh, wait, you meant kids specifically on the surf team? I just said that to the poor souls paying out-of-state tuition for a glorified Khan Academy. Wait, we have a surf team?” 

Lee Everyone then revealed herself to not be a UCSB student at all. 

While most of the Gaucho population would really rather just resort to FIFA, some “Zoomthletes” are adamant about the importance of keeping club sports alive and well throughout this difficult and tumultuous and strange and uncertain time. “W-what do you mean?! It’s … it’s for a sense of brotherhood!” stammered a rugby guy that would probably fuck your little sister (if he hasn’t already). Rugby guy also cannot spell the word “embarrassed.” 

Members of club sports teams, if they haven’t already retreated to the darkest corners of their homes in shame, are reported to have continued doing jumping jacks in their living rooms, dreaming their longing dreams of kicking and tossing and touching balls of different sizes and shapes with different appendages of their bodies once more.


Natalie Kothergirls jogged once.


Natalie Kothergirls
I'm here to chew bubble gum and write satire... and I'm all out of bubble gum.