ISLA VISTA, CA — In the humid heat of an Isla Vistonian Summer, one on-campus orifice finds itself unusually dry. Amid the long-awaited Hot Girl Summer of 2021, Pardall Tunnel herself remains parched, empty and in desperate need of a biker — or several eager bikers — to just run through her already.
Throughout the year of quarantine, Ms. Tunnel had already been experiencing a dry spell. “The only action I got was the handful of nerds who came to study on campus, and even then, they’d leave soon after they realized that bathrooms were locked. The only ones who could turn me on late at night were the ones who pissed in public, behind Buchanan or something. Do you even know how fucking embarrassing that is? To only get fucked by the little piss boys?” Tunnel told our Nexustentialism reporter, lights flaring with embarrassment.
Though few students across Isla Vista shared the experience of being thrust through Pardall’s famous hole, a few reached out to Nexustentialism to describe the process as “a little humid” and “one that left [them] out of breath, but, like, in a bad way.” One student described ramming through Pardall Tunnel as “kinda hot.” The temperature on the day of the aforementioned ramming is unknown.
“It’s just been brutal, you know?” Tunnel, a self-proclaimed Olivia Rodrigo stan, said. “Like, please, I’m trying to get clogged like the Suez, baby,” Tunnel moaned, unprompted. When asked to clarify, Tunnel rallied off a detailed description of a sexual 17-bike-pile-up fantasy, which continued for 45 minutes. When asked about future goals and plans, Tunnel regaled, “The closest I’ve ever gotten is, like, 13, back in ‘87, but I’m hoping I’ll get up to the big one-seven someday. I need 34 wheels and 17 dicks inside me, stat. You understand, right?”
No, we don’t. But we wish Ms. Tunnel nothing but the best for the rest of her Hot Girl Summer, and we wish students all the luck in the world with their future treks to campus. Nexustentialism also advises students to maybe just take the route by Loma Pelona instead.
Natalie Kothergirls does not believe in kinkshaming campus architectural monuments and/or light installations.