Sierra Vakili / Daily Nexus
My dearest Gauchy,
Hey. I know it’s been a while, but Valentine’s Day is coming up, and I just thought I’d reach out. How do I say this …
Gaucho Marks, I miss you.
I miss your sweet smell of lemongrass and aftershave. I miss your articles in my inbox once every two weeks. I miss the way we used to laugh about who wrote better satire (us). I miss tossing your name around every couple of meetings only for new writers to ask, “Who?” and for me to respond, “The other satire outlet at UCSB,” and for them to say back, “I’ve never heard of them.” Those were the days. What happened to us, Gauchy? How did we get here?
Remember that card you wrote us? I know you were mad about my email. I’m sorry for my terse reply … in my defense, I was another editor back then. But I’ve changed! I swear! I’m no longer the duo of a 6-foot-7-inch homosexual man and a 5-foot-8-inch vanlifer/TikTok star. I’ve since grown into a 6-foot-1-inch ethics bowl competitor and a different 5-foot-8-inch woman with significantly less TikTok clout but still some because one video blew up in 2018 to the “Maybe I’ll be Tracer” song. Can’t you see that?
I know you might still be hung up on that time I snuck into your Discord server. You always were such a gamer. But I know — I’d be mad too. You just make me so crazy. And in my defense, our Slack channel is just as easy to sneak into, so I really don’t know why you didn’t think of that first. Unless you did think of that first and you’re acting like you didn’t. Babe, are you serious? What the fuck have you been doing in our Slack?! Is that how you beat us to the gnome article??? Are you fucking crazy?
Sorry. You know me … I can lose my temper sometimes. But I don’t want to focus on that right now. I just want to know … what are you doing Feb. 14? Do you maybe want to … write an article with me? You could, you know … come up with a funny little joke … we could laugh together … make sweet satirical love … I could pay you $10 per article (plus $10 per photo) … what do you say?
I know what you might be thinking: “Nexy, how do I know I can trust you again after you made that horrible meme about us?”
The meme in question. Fart Tent / Daily Nexus
Gauchy, are you feeling okay? You know me. I’d never do something like that. You’re acting insane right now. That was just one of my silly writers, I think. What are you even talking about? You’re being so ridiculous. Let’s just go back to the way things were.
Please. I’ve been saving up so many poop jokes. Let’s reunite and try things again. Together, we’ll be unstoppable.
Come home.
Yours,
Nexustentialism
