Matteo Wharton / Daily Nexus

 

Nexustentialism will continue to challenge the barriers of journalism — pushing the envelope to lengths that have previously gone unpushed. 

Since its inception, Nexustentialism has built a name for itself writing top-of-the-line (but sometimes mediocre) satire. Bringing you audience-favorite hits such as “New Study Finds Chancellor Yang Thick As Fuck” and “Chameleons: They Could Be Anywhere,” it has been the pride of our lives pumping out quality content the way political science majors keep pumping out mildly xenophobic comments. And while classics such as “Fuck You, Flavored Cream Cheese” will always hold a special place in our hearts, we have found it necessary to move on to bigger, bolder, more bountiful horizons of content. We have to go back to the source. We’ve got to start lying once more. 

We understand that this landmark decision may come with a sacrifice. We may have to put humor on the backburner to start prioritizing our real mission: spreading harmful misinformation as far and wide as we can. Though we admit, we’ll miss headlines like “Confused Campus Republicans Storm UCen,” they seem to hit juuuuuuust too close to home for some of our precious loyal readers. After all — the Republicans of UCSB are indeed our target audience. In an effort to appease the righties, we’ll be taking a step back from all that politically charged hogwash and diving back into the content we know our readers love.

Look forward to headlines such as:

  • Chancellor Yang Actually Assless  
    • Many people know and love Chancellor Yang, but not many people know this fun fact!
  • Opinion: I Love Corona Virus!
    • I never wanted to see my friends anyway! Don’t even get me started on masks — not having asthma has never felt better!
  • UCSB Goes Bankrupt
    • We did it. We finally ran out of money. We spent it all on Subway™.

 

Natalie Kothergirls is Natalie Kothergirls’ real name.

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Natalie Kothergirls
I'm here to chew bubble gum and write satire...and I'm all out of bubble gum