Nexustentialism

April 16, 2021

6 People Covid Partiers Can Look Forward to Meeting in Hell

By Sam Penn

Isla Vista’s COVID partiers have made it clear that drinking on balconies and drinking on roofs (and – let’s face it – angering the PH in some Shein bikini) is more critical than the health and safety of their pe...

April 9, 2021

7 Girl Bosses You Forgot To Appreciate in March

By Sam Franzini

You may not have been appreciative of the many girl boss go-getters during the last Women’s History Month, but thankfully, there are many femme fatales out there who are deserving of praise! Here are 10 leading ladies ...

April 6, 2021

UCSB Freshman Voices: “We Thought This Would Be More Like Surf’s Up”

By Natalie Kothergirls

Kyle DeNile from Newport Beach, had lots to say about Isla Vista’s disparity from Pengu Island. “Things are off to a rocky start. I haven’t met even one former surf star who faked his own death out of an inability ...

April 6, 2021

God Is Dead: 5 Exciting New Deities to Worship This Spring Quarter

By Chace Duma

Wow! With so many wonderful options, it’s hard to pick just one! We at Nexustentialism sincerely hope this map through the spiritual realm will land you in a place of inner peace this Spring.

March 11, 2021

Report: It Rained

By Natalie Kothergirls

Disclaimer: This article is a humorous interpretation of the events of the past few days of the kind-of-a-city-but-not-really of Isla Vista, California. If you do not live in Isla Vista, you may not understand the comple...

March 10, 2021

No Computer? No Problem! Four Hacks To Manage Your Way Through Online School, Laptop-Free

By Sam Franzini

Breakthrough laptop-free hacks include: Read a book, or pretend to be Amish.

February 24, 2021

Inspiring! Ex-COVID Partygoer Learns New Skill: How To Have Compassion for Others

By Kathleen Santacruz

According to our sources, partiers are unable to spell difficult words like “vaccination” or “empathy,” and they can’t differentiate between “your” and “you’re,” which should have been a requirement o...

February 23, 2021

Reverse Cowgirl Use Up 150% Amid Pandemic, Studies Show

By Raffi Torres

Due to COVID, our sources have reported that many individuals have not “busted a nut” in months. However, for the small demographic who aren’t fucking losers and totally fuck, a creative way to still have sex has e...

February 22, 2021

Nexustentialism to Stop Writing Satire, Go Back to Plain Ol’ Lies

By Natalie Kothergirls

While classics such as “Fuck You, Flavored Cream Cheese” will always hold a special place in our hearts, we have found it necessary to move on to bigger, bolder, more bountiful horizons of content.

February 18, 2021

Zoom Schooling Proving Difficult for Local “Ass Lovers”

By Emma Demorest

“I miss seeing a little action in a pair of Kohl’s jeans some physics guy’s mom bought for them,” said Ass Woman Junkina Trunk, who went on to admit that she’s had to watch playbacks of “that CNN election kha...

February 16, 2021

New Zoom Update Allows You To Sort By Who’s Hottest

By Chace Duma

First, we send all the users who appear to be paying attention to the back to weed out the fucking nerds. Once they’re gone, we rate the rest of the participants on 145 different traits, including ‘chin length’ and...

February 12, 2021

Office Hours With Professor The Most Intimate Valentine’s Day Local Woman Will Ever Have

By Miss Informed

Biggcok has emailed some of her young-ish eligible professors for “assistance with the material.” When asked to specify what type of assistance and with what material, Biggcok failed to produce a verbal answer, inste...

January 28, 2021

Mike’s Hard Vaccine To Be Distributed at Student Health

By Chace Duma

You can now make an appointment on GOLD to be administered Mike’s Hard Vaccine today, or find them being passed out at your local dayger.

January 27, 2021

Success! IV Foot Patrol Finally Clears IV of All Feet

By Natalie Kothergirls

“Please … please, I’m begging … they took everything from me …” a footless, maskless partygoer in pain moaned. Her 20 crop-top-donning companions sprinted away in a fashion not unlike a gaggle of geese.

January 25, 2021

Lea Toubian Wins A.S. Presidency in Landslide Five Votes

By Annie Pepper

ISLA VISTA – In what experts are calling an unprecedented voter turnout, Lea Toubian was elected A.S. president earlier this month with a landslide of five votes and a total voter count of five. The scale of such a tur...

January 20, 2021

National Guard Calls in CSOs For Inauguration Security

By Max Myszkowski

WASHINGTON –– Following the violent insurrection at the U.S. Capitol, extensive security measures have been planned for the inauguration proceedings this Wednesday. Chief among these is the choice by Washington mayor...