Talk about a two-for-one deal! UC Santa Barbara has just announced that to solve the upcoming fall housing crisis, student dorms will now be packed with six-to-eight friendly faces waiting to welcome you to your new home. The new regulation will accommodate all of the new students/customers the university admitted last year, when they forgot students were real people that unfortunately take up physical space and not just Zoom boxes.

Not only have they fixed housing, but students have been saved from the pervading feelings of loneliness and isolation that Zoom school breeds! With up to 10 students in one room, incoming freshmen will never feel alone again! After the wildly successful smiley face initiative, Counseling & Psychological Services worked with the university to ensure their wellness programs continued to promote student wellbeing.

“We’re so excited about the opportunity of having a baker’s dozen students in one dorm,” the Director of Student Friendship Susan Poleman told Nexustentialism. “Studies show physical touch is crucial for human relationships, and in our new configuration, you’re bound to be touching at least two random body parts at all times.”

Students everywhere are celebrating the decision and getting to know their new roommates. “Me and my 14 new besties do everything together!” first-year Rebecca Jillian said. “Sarah D., Sara J., Sarah L, Sarah M. and I call ourselves the fridge girls because we’re always smushed in that area. It’s always a competition to see who can get to the Brita first!” she said, laughing.

However, there are some slight disadvantages to the new program, including questions on if this is enough space for a college-age adult to occupy. “When Matt’s 6:45 a.m. alarm turns on, it wakes everyone up because it takes him a while to crawl over the mass of bodies that are in the room at all times,” Kyle Damon said. “It’s especially confusing when my girlfriend’s over. She’s like, ‘Hey Kyle!’ and all three of us answer.” 

Despite minor setbacks, freshmen are bound to notice how much happier and less lonely they’ll be in the months to come. UCSB assures that you’ll never go to the dining hall, lectures or the gym alone with their new slogan: “The only campus that guarantees 18 automatic friends!”

Once again, UCSB has shown that when it comes to solving the many crises students face, they’re always ready to tackle the challenge.


Sam Franzini is extremely relieved he never has to step foot in a dorm again.

A version of this article appeared on p. 13 of the Sept. 30, 2021 print edition of the Daily Nexus.

Sam Franzini
Sam Franzini is a fourth year student and a fan of dogs, music, tennis, stationery, and Survivor. He grew up in Florida and all of the stories about it are true.